3 BURNING QUESTIONS FOR SAMUEL THE GREAT

What kind of stupid ungodly hour am I writing this entry right now? 4.23am



4 FUCKING AM!!! I am going to have to report for work in 4hours time and here I am writing this bullcrap…


INSOMNIA FOR THE WIN SERIOUSLY

Since I can’t sleep and I’m just tossing and turning around in bed like some half-cooked Saba-fish, I thought it would be a good idea to update HHH.

SABAFISH!!!!!!

Sledgehammer solves all your problems

2 weeks no update… I know I was greatly missed by all.



My bad



THE 3 QUESTIONS I GET BOMBARDED WITH ALL THE TIME
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QN1: Sam why/how do you know so much?


a) Ok for a start, how about fucking reading? I dedicate at least 90mins a day reading online. These 90mins override gaming, youtube, facebook (cyber-stalking), blogs, watching porn etc…

need...to...cut..down..on...myfatpocket...

Yes I don’t count reading blogs as gaining knowledge. When I read, I read e-books, educational/informative websites, a bit of wikipedia here and there and NEWS. I got to stress the importance of NEWS (current affairs), it keeps you updated with the WORLD, it is THAT crucial!

I find it funny when some of my female friends are oblivious to who Kofi Annan is?

one of them is God *hint Bruce Almighty*

Kofi Annan??? Some malay coffee boy ah???


huat…


b) I speak to a lot of people and I REMEMBER what they say. This is an innate ability though; I admit I am blessed with good natural memory. When you can recall what people say and retain it within your database, it becomes ADDITIONAL INFO which can be compounded with your own.

I like conversing with my dad too; he’s the closest you can get to a walking cheat-sheet. He is like Shinra, he knows EVERYTHING.

I absorb as much as I can from my dad but there is a limit because he’s style is that of a generalist whereas I am a specialist. Sometimes we both end up with very conflicting points of view.

Sorry I can’t give you any advice as to how to improve your memory. Maybe you can try drinking that GROW GROW GROW milk… Hey it worked on that giraffe, might work on you.

c) Attitude and mentality. I tend to view my learning capacity as a SPONGE. Whatever you can throw, I can take. There is no end to acquiring knowledge. If you reach the state of arrogance where you feel you know too much to carry on learning, you are doomed to fail.

spongeboob squarepants

Some people can get pretty vocal regarding their ‘field of expertise’. Trust me being vocal OR LOUD doesn’t mean you know shit. It’s the analytical depth of a topic which makes you impressive. For example, Benji doesn’t talk a lot but I get hell swept away by his writings.

If respect is granted based on loudness or outspokenness, the Supreme Court of Justice would start hiring Ah Tiongs to run the show. We all know this fact, their speaking volume is unmatched.

So what is it I am confident of talking about? What is my specialty area?


Religion


My interest in this subject started from Primary 4 (a period when most kids would rather spend their free time playing GO-LI, marbles). I have done extensive research, homework and reading up on this topic. Talk/Argue/Debate with me about religion and I will fuck you up, good.


To be frank, the only way you can beat me in this topic is using FAITH. Par for Par fight? Haven’t met my match YET.

Well this is what happens when you are schooled for 10 years in a Christian school; it converts you to an Atheist.

suck it christians lol

QN2: Sam why no girlfriend?


a) I am not a sentimental/emotional/romantic person. Love ranks below my key priorities in life. Unlike those who treat love as oxygen, (ahem…gackt, junwei, lucky baby des chan) I am the inverse. No pun intended you dipshit, wipe that Lina Inverse thought off your head now.

sweet looks VS laguna blade

b) Expensive, all these xiaomeimeis nowadays so high maintenance, their upkeep GAO GAO. I very NIAO, I only willing to spend on myself so to combat this, I intend to date a rich girl in the future. Har Har Har how capitalistic…


c) Time. While Woon stands by this ‘NO AIR-CON, NO HONEY/BABY’ mantra, mine differs slightly, its ‘NO TIME, NO HONEY’. My girlfriend will feel neglected because I spend a lot of time on… on… MYSELF!!! It has happened in the past; I have been dumped because they felt like an abandoned Neopet. Sadly, I have ALSO been dumped for punctuality issues as well, FuckMyLife zzz.

my favourite neopet, the SKEITH, he EATS ANYTHING

d) I am shy around pretty girls. I just get tongue-tied in the presence of babes or cuties.

‘Girls are like pokemons, to catch them, you need pokeBALLS’ – Quote of the day.

In summary, I need to learn to be more natural around THE LENGLUI.

Beautiful girls all over the world... THEY GOT NOTHIN ON YOU BABY!!! NOTHIN ON YOU BABY!!!!


e) Girls don’t take me seriously.

Explanation 1, I am always joking and fooling around.

Explanation 2, they think I am a flirt or a player. It doesn’t help that I have boyish looks/features which some girls find attractive physically yet repulsive/cautious/wary of mentally. I wish to have a serious cat face too but bo pian, I born like that.

For first impressions, there is no FUCKING way you can EVER guess my age right.


f) Sam… Maybe your expectations too high?

No.

I don’t think my expectations are too high.

I mean come on, honestly speaking…

Is this asking for too much????? IS THIS VERY DEMANDING??????? Just touch your heart and ask yourself the truth, you will know that I am being very reasonable here!


g) Last but not least (most powderful point), I am not putting in ENOUGH effort, TO GET ONE. My lazy ass needs some Flash of Brilliance from Zeus to get it up and running.


QN3: Er… Are you a gay?


This is the question I get asked the MOST. I’m not kidding; about 8 girls (and counting) have APPROACHED me upfront and directly popped this question straight at my face. It’s so unforgiving, not to say, INSULTING.

Once and for all,
NO, I AM NOT A GAY!

I am straight.

I am not a fucking Lady Gaga or Ta-Ta-Ta-Tastey Tastey Fergie. Bisexual category

Neither am I a Dumbledore or Adam Gaybert. Homosexual category

VOLDEMORT'S COMMENT DAMN FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I am staunchly against buttsecks and ANAL penetration.

I like the boobies you know just like Peter Chao.

We both love the BOOBIES, the white jiggling BOOBIES.

So please do you and do me a favor, stop trolling this damn topic and STOP ASKING IF I AM GAY!!!


Dumbmudabitches…

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Nice in 2 hours time, I will be at work with heavy panda eyes and a very CHUI xing xiang…

i need to buy this shit

Are you up for it?

Gaming console owners will be familiar with this one, Achievements. Achievements are a form of recognition and ‘bragging rights’ that make a gamer believe that he/she is relatively cooler or better than the average button masher. Another term or equivalent word would be ‘Trophies’.

Achievements vary from game to game.

For example, you have Achievements like ‘Finish the boss battle without taking damage, Collect all in-game items or Complete the game at with party of level 1s etc…’.

To be honest, most of these Achievements are extremely time-consuming, some are even impossible.
Today’s post however will not be about GAMING Achievements. They will be about PRESENT DAY Sporting Achievements. The type where will make you an overnight hero or legend if you actually accomplish them. Heck in fact I believe the Queen will personally knight you if you can break any of the Achievements I am going to list.

your ticket to heaven

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In order of Ascending Difficulty

8. Out dribble Lionel Messi

Red dude 1: OIE TACKLE HIM LEH CB!!! KUAR HEE AH?????

Red Dude 2: KP LA U TRY LA

There are a lot of great dribblers throughout soccer history, names like Garrincha, Maradona, Zico, Dennis Bergkamp and Ronaldinho will appear at the back of most people’s mind. However when you talk CURRENT, when you talk NOW, nobody stands a chance against the 1.69m Messiah.
When we talk Messi, one name will definitely be shouted out ‘WHAT ABOUT CRISTIANO RONALDO?’

Yes yes, CR9 is also a very good dribbler. He refines ordinary textbook techniques such as simple step-overs, side-steps and the Rabona and uses them to great effectiveness.

i didn't pay 80million pounds for a ball-tricks performer, you arsehole

Here’s the difference, Messi doesn’t use any of these.

He doesn’t need to train or refine ‘tricks’ unlike CR9. His height and low CG coupled with his blazing fast feet allow him to change pace and direction on the go instantly. Messi’s most valuable asset remains being able to run as quickly with the ball as he does without it. Yeah that is pretty ridiculous if you ask me, it’s like putting on a bloody float and YET swimming as fast as you would normally without the float.

The ball is like his faithful pet dog, it doesn’t leave his side unless he wants it do. You want to be famous in soccer; you just have to out dribble the Messiah. You don’t even have to hail from a winning team. Any B-Grade soccer clubs that can groom a player who can dribble better than Messi would have gotten themselves ‘THE NEXT BIG THING’.

7. Beating Manny Pacquiao

who's next?

Quite possibly the best pound for pound boxer in the world. His current professional record stands as 51 Wins, 3 Defeats and 2 Draws. I’m not a boxing fan but trust me, fighting in an extremely competitive environment (the Square ring with nowhere to run) for 56 times and winning 51 of those bouts, I think its pretty gay ya?

6. Defeat the King of Clay on… … … C-L-A-Y

SUCK IT FED EXPRESS

I think Roger Federer aka the FED EXPRESS gets too much credit on the global Tennis scene. The World number 1 might be the best Tennis player to have existed but when it comes to playing on Clay Courts, nobody messes with Rafael Nadal, not even Raptor Jesus… or Chuck Norris.
He set the world record win streak on Clay with 81consecutive victories.

2 years of continuously thrashing n00bs on clay, even the egoistic Sam would get bored.
Ironically, his 81 wins streak ultimately got ended by his bff (rival) the FED EXPRESS.

Fed Express - He Delivers

Hmm… That’s like hearing Double kill, Triple Kill, Ultra Kill, RAMPAGE, HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT ….. 81 times over on Roger’s screen after he won Nadal.

Nevertheless Nadal is still very very deadly and widely considered to be the best to have played on Clay. The number of Clay losses for Nadal can be counted by the fingers on his hands.

5. Winning Michael Phelps in Butterfly

i don't even drive to work losers, I SWIM!

We all agree that Michael Phelps is the best Swimmer/Olympian around but how many of you know that his specialty stroke is actually the Butterfly?

He wins medals in nearly all strokes and categories such as Freestyle, Breaststroke and Individual Medley but when it comes to the Butterfly, the King is alone.

As you can see from this screenshot, from the period of March 30, 2001 - present, his only competitor is… HIMSELF! What a joke seriously, 9 fucking years on top…

4. Faster than Lightning

i won... AGAIN???

Usain Bolt won the 2008 Olympics Sprinting event with an untied shoelace and some fanciful showboating towards the finishing line. During the interview, he said he just had CHIKIN NUGGETS for breakfast on the race day, talk about carbo-loading or sugar-rushing, obviously Bolt doesn’t give a shit knowing that he would win either way. Best part, he still broke the world record setting a timing of 9.69s.

Gatorade can go to hell, chikin nuggets for the win

After critics accused him of being a prick for being too guai-lan and not showing respect to his opponents, Bolt did what he did best, by responding with ‘Actions speak louder than words’ setting a new world record of 9.58s.

Any faster than that you are going to have to teleport, or blink…

Usain Bolt joke

Bolt went into an Irish Pub wanting to get some drinks to chill out after a tiring day of practice.

Bartender: HEY MAN, ONLY IRISH ALLOWED IN HERE!

Bartender: You can go to the pub down the street, 10 MINUTES walk from here it accepts all patrons.

*Bolt shocked at the unfair treatment*

Bolt: Do you know who I am?

Bolt: I am USAIN BOLT!

Bartender: Ok for you, 5 MINUTES…

3. Break Mourinho’s home record

The Special one is well known for being a very vocal manager often hurling insults at the media, players and even fellow coaches. He called Arsene Wanker a voyeur (peeping tom), a comment which I laughed real fucken hard when I read it. Other exploits include insulting the whole Portuguese national team. ‘Portugal doesn’t stand a chance at 2010 World Cup, even if Cristiano Ronaldo played at 10 000 km per hour, they still wouldn’t win it.’

But you still got to respect the Special One; he has the nicest record of any manager still living today.

136 Home league matches UNBEATEN.

38 with Porto

60 with Chelsea

38 with Inter Milan

According to wiki, his last and ONLY home defeat came when Porto was defeated on 23 Feb 2002. In summary he went 8 years undefeated on home soil and even if you were to count his defeat, its still: Played 137, Win and Draw 136, Lose 1.

Being a Barcelona fan, I’m praying hard he doesn’t go to Real Madrid. I mean come on… when he left Chelsea for Inter (a club which previously nobody took seriously); he won the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE for them. It has been 45 years since Inter won the last Champions league, that’s like double my age +1.

He will make Barcelona sweat or maybe even cry for the title that’s for sure.

Mourinho joke

Guy A: WDF!!! INTER KNOCKED CHELSEA OUT OF THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DURING THE RETURN LEG???

Guy B: Yea… They won 1-0

Guy A: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW CAN CHELSEA LOSE WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING AT HOME!!!

Guy B: Hey dumbass, have you forgotten that Mourinho NEVER loses at Stamford Bridge?

2. Topple Tiger Woods

can you dig it sucka?

The world’s most famous womanizer and richest sportsman spent a total of 600 weeks at the peak. That’s about double the amount of the next closest challenger. He is still playing, on and ‘off’ the pitch (pun intended) so expect the record to continue scaling.

DID YOU KNOW

Woods is so fucking imbalanced, golf analysts actually came out with Tiger Proofing. A collective analysis/article based research to conclude if having Tiger Woods is actually bad for golf? Apparently the golf experts are afraid that Tiger Woods would eventually drive all competition out of the game as the others are merely fighting for second.

Woods also confessed to having about 120 affairs behind his wife’s back.

It’s so hard to beat this guy… Professionally or Socially… - Samuel the Great

1. Ping Pang Shen (God of Table-tennis)

God in Human form - Female

Meet Zhang Yining, the legendary female tennis table player. I heard Phelps losing before, same for Tiger Woods and Nadal but Zhang… NOT REALLY.

She has been World no.1 since Jan 2003 for both women’s singles and doubles.

fucking haxor!!!

2 silvers, the rest GOLD

But notice the date of the silvers; it’s when she was still relatively new 1999 and 2003. Or she could have been suffering from a bad hair day whatever … Point is her worst performance was a Silver, when we hear Federer blowing it, he really blows it by losing to unranked players, when we hear Liverpool sucking, they really suck ass from a straw by finishing 7th but when we hear Zhang losing, oh it’s a convenient Silver. And her losses are RARE… Like 2 defeats in 11 years of major competition???

*Before the Semi Finals, at the locker room*

Female player A: HEY I WON THE BRONZE MEDAL!!!

Female player B: You haven’t even played your match yet, how do you know that you have won Bronze?

Female player A: Oh… I saw my match up, I am facing Zhang…

Female player B: WOW FYL LOL!!!

*1 week later*

Female player B: Hey guess what?

Female player A: I know… It’s ok… Silver is better than nothing

Female player B: fuck Zhang…


Moral of the story: Never fuck around with China

When Li Jiawei first came to Singapore… The average stupid blind Singaporean sports enthusiasts ‘THOUGHT’ we would finally stand a chance at winning glory in Table Tennis.

A: LI JIAWEI IS HERE BABY!!! WE WILL PWNS ALL ASSES IN TABLE TENNIS NAO!!!!!

Come on, China has 1.3 billion people, giving you their ‘leftovers’ or ‘scraps’ is small deal. Just like Barcelona, giving Arsenal Fabregas is no big deal; our midfield is still as strong as fuck.

Arsenal's Captain, Barcelona's Reject

When I watch Olympics table tennis finals ‘Singapore VS China’, I have this sudden urge to hold back my tears of laughter. Why?

Because in the first place they got the name wrong, it’s supposed to be ‘China Team 1 VS China Team 2’.

Disgraceful… To put Singapore VS China

IT’S LIKE WE ACTUALLY BRED AND TRAINED THOSE PLAYERS…

Best thing is that they even bother playing the Singapore National Anthem for Silver Category Winners… LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about playing the China national Anthem back to back in the future?

Empress Cleavage...I MEAN EMPRESS GONG LI is not impressed

CHINA WILL GROW LARGER!!!

Do the right thing!

Morons who have a burning desire or compelling urge to commit suicide should NEVER jump off the SMRT train tracks. WHY?

1) It causes a great deal of inconvenience to commuters.

Leng Lui: LATEEEE??? YOU ARE THE FIRST GUY I DATED WHO DARES MAKE ME WAIT!!!

Leng Zai: Sorry dear, someone jumped the train, got delayed. Didn’t mean to make you wait.

Leng Lui: WHAT??? THAT’S ABOUT ONE OF THE STUPIDEST EXCUSES I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?

Leng Zai: Oh... No reception was underground.

Leng Lui: NO I CAN’T ACCEPT THIS CRAP; YOU BETTER GIVE ME A BETTER REASON!

Leng Zai: Er… I was late because I was ambushed by an aspiring pokemon-trainer who fought using 6 Magikarps???

Leng Lui: Ok! Where shall we go for dinner?



Sam and Gackt taking the train home together after work FOR THE FIRST TIME

*Dear passengers, we apologize for the inconvenience, train services will resume shortly*

Sam: KNN LA, FUCKING TRAIN, must be someone jump again

Gackt: Wah sian…

Sam: Eh Gackt, you know ah… I work in Raffles place now got at least close to 7months le and the train has never been delayed before leh.

Sam: Do you know what does this mean?

Gackt: What?

Sam: YOU ARE FUCKING SUAY!


2) You get no peace after death

Let’s say you have to take your life because it’s going nowhere/ you have an ass full of debts/ you have no way out/ everyone hates you/ your girlfriend left you/ your dog died etc…

I will make this clear, I WON’T STOP YOU. I’m sure most people will not stand in your way either.

In fact I respect your decision to take your own life because it requires a hell lot of guts.

Committing suicide is not as easy as you think…

You have to go through an intense period of ‘mindfuck’ before you choose THE FINAL ANSWER aka THE FINAL SOLUTION.

But then again after saying all this, if you are as hot as Celestina, I won’t let you die neither will I condone your decision to take your own life HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WILL FUCKING SAVE YOU MAN!!!


Lao Zha Bor: AH ZAI ah!!! I also dying leh, why you don’t save me first?

*Sam dashing off to Celestina’s rescue*

Sam: BRB LOL!!!

Lao Zha Bor: SEI POK GAI ZAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barcelona FC                         VS                 Tampines Rovers

I mean the world cannot do without babes; Babes are already beginning to qualify for the category ‘endangered species’. Fuck the Siberian Tigers and California Condors; nobody gives a shit, seriously.

Anyway back to why ‘you will get no peace after death…’

COS IF YOU JUMP THE FUKEN TRAIN, EVERYBODY IS GOING TO CURSE YOU EVEN
AFTER YOU DIED!

When I say everybody, I mean EVERYBODY.

The cleanup crew who has to clear up your bloody mangled mess from the train tracks, the poor train operator who has to suffer a traumatizing experience, the huge mob of severely pissed off passengers who are stuck for no apparent reason, train station staffs who have to do OT and reports, the economy (Yes the economy, just think about the no. of man hours lost while being unproductively trapped in the train AND its not just one train, it usually affects the ENTIRE LINE eg. Green line, Purple line, Circle line…), the Government as they will now face more pressure from citizens to install those safety barricades (SIAO LIAO LA!!! Temasek and GIC portfolio drop so much in this stupid recession, where got money to install all those shit… Haizya bo pian liao UP GST UP GST) and Samuel the Great (THAT MUDABITCH WHO JUMPED BETTER REBORN AS A NINTENDOG).

NINTENDOG!!! BABY!! NINTENDOG!!

btw did you know that nintendo ds actually stands for nintendo dogshit?

I DONGGGG EVEN LET YOU REBORN AS A NORMAL DOG; YOU ARE JUST A DIGITALIZED VIRTUAL PET!!!

3. Its painful

Have you ever been punched full force by Lieutenant Tian Wei (The Tank)?

don't koncentrate on the BAN LUCK, look at the BICEPS

If you think that hurts, visualize your entire frame being smashed by a 60mph train. AFTER the initial impact, (that is if you are not already dead) your body gets dragged onto the track by an unforgiving chunk of sizzling metal till it severs off into multiple parts. That isn’t Death if you ask me; that is Total Annihilation.

Yeah you do get points for Bravery and all but trust me, it hurts like hell…

I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!

4. If you don’t die, ur in fucking deep shit.

Let’s just say you survived Thomas the Train. Congrats you will now join Darth Vader in the ‘more mechanical than human’ club. I can assure you the recuperation phase or surgery process will make you wish you HAVE DIED from that train incident. Considering the fact that you would have at least lost a few limbs and very likely suffer some form of permanent brain damage, it’s a truly fitting ending to your FML story.

Worse still, people will laugh at you

For not dying


‘HEY DUDE THAT’S THE DUMBASS WHO JUMPED THE TRAIN AND DIDN’T DIE, ROFLMAOLOLOLOLOLOLOL’

‘THAT IS SOME BIG-TIME PHAIL!!!!! GHAHAHAHAHAH’

‘MAYBE HE HAS PHOENIX DOWN?????????’

5. You are not filming Suicide Club

Come on asshole; try to be a tad more innovative. We have seen rail deaths from Japanese animes, movies and even books. Are you really that lacking in creativity?

However… you can still redeem yourself if you shout out cheesy last-lines such as ‘DAMN, I FORGOT MY BOARDING PASS’, ‘1 DOWN, 8 MORE LIVES TO GO!!!’, ‘SEE YOU GUYS AT THE MORGUE!!!’, ‘THIS TIME BABY I’LL BE BULLETTTTTTTTTTPROOF!!!’ or ‘72 VIRGINS HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ right before the point of collision. That would effectively convert your Fail into a Win.

Sam’s guide to dying – Painlessly
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1. Drug overdose

Overdosing yourself on a variety of medication/drugs will almost always guarantee you of a clean kill. Some people mix drugs with alcohol or other substances to increase the potency of the killing effect.

For non-qualified alchemist/chemist/doctors unsure of what to mix your ‘liberating drink’ with, you can always try the cyanide combination. The highly toxic cyanide cocktail will never fail you, unless you are a Terminator model or Governator… whatever…

If you are intending to overdose yourself on say… Sleeping pills for example, YOU BETTER FUCKING DIE FROM IT because if they find you in time and bring you to the hospital; they will flush you INSIDE OUT. Folks, I sincerely believe the pain of being flushed is approximately 3 times more excruciating than giving birth.

To ensure that you don’t get the ROYAL FLUSH treatment, you need to give yourself a time passage of 48 hours. Within these 48 hours, you must hide yourself so fucking well that you can even put Osama Bin Laden, the reigning hide-n-seek champion to shame.

er... need help to die by poison?

2. Carbon Monoxide

Carbon Monoxide is your best friend when it comes to committing suicide. They fuck up your hemoglobin so badly that oxygen can no longer be effectively transported around the body through the blood thus resulting in an internal deoxygenated death.

While the olden day car method of exhaust pipe redirection is no longer workable due to new catalytic air converting systems eliminating over 99% of the carbon monoxide, Wikipedia suggests that you can always air-seal yourself in a room and burn charcoal in a BBQ fashion till you pass on. I love Wikipedia, as you can see it’s really educational!

AHHAAHAHAHAHAA!!!11! wikipedia vandalism for the win

3. X spot

If you are able to somehow get hold of a gun, extremely sharp object or a combination of both, the Gunblade. NEVER go for the brain. You watch TV and see people committing suicide by pointing a gun to their head and pressing the trigger. Well that’s just fucktarded because there is a slight possibility you won’t die from it. If you want a 100% painless and sure kill death, go for the spot which connects the brain to the spinal cord, the Cervical Vertebrae. You can feel it just run your fingers behind the back area of your neck, once you sense an immediate ‘depression’ in the region right after a high bone, that’s the kill zone. Aim your gunblade there and ALT-F4 your life.

If you can’t do it yourself due to bad aim, lack of balls or fear of blood, get an enemy or a love rival to help you.

For ancient deaths via decapitation/gluttotines, the skilled executioner will always go for this specific area. By breaking the vital link between the spinal cord and the brain, the body loses its ‘sense of touch’.

Always remember, a painless death is definitely more appealing than a painful death.

Logic

Painless > Painful

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Select your suicide method of choice today!!! Do humankind a favor by purifying our gene pool, this way by Natural Selection, your loserish DNA won’t pass on to the next generation.

Lastly if you still insist on jumping the train, can you at least wait till I get a fucking car?

Mazda RX-7

Like a P~R~O

I love writing and most of you would have already known it by now. It would be ideal if I can carve out a career based on writing but truth is, writers don’t make a lot of money. Money is a huge motivation for me and a lack of it is clearly a major turn off.




So I was thinking perhaps after graduation, I would carry on working in the bank and write as a pastime or hobby, maybe even earn some free-lance moolah.

The greatest advice I can give to any aspiring writer is – Find your own preferred Style. Develop and refine it to perfection.

Although he trained under Ip Man's Wing Chun, Bruce Lee developed his own fighting style.

I am nowhere near that standard or benchmark of perfection but important thing is I am willing to learn and improve my writing technique so that I can continue to write to impress and entertain.



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Now this is the question everybody wants an answer to:



HOW CAN I BECOME A GOOD WRITER?



One word – Plagiarism



PLAGIAR-WHAT!!!11!! did you fucking say Plagiarism???

this picture is full of win

Yes simple as that, Plagiarism.



Plagiarism is the surest and fastest way to improve your writing standard. It is defined as the use or close imitation of the language and thoughts of another author and the representation of them as one’s own original work.



In short, it’s to as best as possible mimic a BETTER writer and fucking pass it off as your own. (The above line is fucking critical; I will emphasis more about it later)



You see copying is easy, everybody can copy. Majority of plagiarizers (80%) copy wholesale and that’s why they get their ass busted. When you get burnt while plagiarizing, obviously you are going to be resentful towards it.

‘Upa Siol... Fucking lecturer failed me on grounds of plagiarism, PALA BUTOH’

‘SMLJ, LIKE THAT ALSO HE KNOW I CHEAT AH???? NABEI HE STEADY SIA!’

‘I would have succeeded but that fucken anti-plagiarism software got me…’





Ok listen up numbnuts, if you get caught, don’t blame anybody but yourself for YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.



Good plagiarizers never get caught. That’s the whole point of plagiarism isn’t it? If I know I am gonna do a half-assed job of plagiarizing and run the risk of getting caught, then why the fuck even bother trying in the first place?



I mean when The Joker pulled off that bank heist in ‘The Dark Knight’, he sure as hell wouldn’t let Batman screw up his plans eh?

That which doesn't kill you will only make you stranger.

Same logic, point here though is that The Joker was CONFIDENT enough to pull off that heist KNOWING he wouldn’t get CAUGHT in the process.



When you have that level of confidence, welcome to the delightful and awe-inspiring world of plagiarism.


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Plagiarism 101



What do you need?



1. Common sense

Although genetically imbued into each of us from birth, not all are able to display this prevalent attribute.



YOU WILL BE SURPRIZED BY HOW LACKING SOME PEOPLE ARE IN THIS DEPARTMENT. I am not shitting you; there are really a hell lot of people out there who are just not using their COMMON SENSE.

fucking hilarious warning sign

While common sense and IQ are two completely different matters, having a high IQ can really give you a massive advantage in this category.



Common sense application –



Scenario A



If you plagiarize for your final year paper or graduate thesis, you don’t just lack common sense, you can actually qualify for the ‘semi-retarded’ lobby group.



The risks are simply TOO great to be worth a try.



You got so much to lose here if your plagiarism fails you.



Scenario B



In a workplace, if you plagiarize someone else’s work and get the credit and/or promotion at the same time. THAT is smart plagiarism. Yes you are a bastard, but you gotta understand this fact, Mr.NiceGuys just don’t cut it in the corporate world. Would you rather be an honorable poor fuck or a Richy-rich A-hole? Also when you are rich, people tend to ‘forget’ that you are an A-hole… How convenient, sad but true.



Need more examples?



Our very own dear SAF, nuff said. (gotta love those regular senior officers/enciks)



2. Decent, preferably Good Command of vocabulary and grammar.

No amount of plagiarism can save your sorry ass if your standard of English is as formidable as Paris Hilton’s singing capabilities.



You must be comfortable when writing in your master language be it English, Mandarin, Tamil, Melayu etc…



If you have a tendency to write using SMS lingo/jargons/short forms, NEVER enter the world of plagiarism.



Or if you write like a LOLCAT ‘I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER’, you need to find a furnace and cremate yourself.

Always remember, plagiarism is an ART. You can MASTER it.



3. Sharp Eye



I’m pulling this part back

“In short, it’s to as best as possible mimic a BETTER writer and fucking pass it off as your own. (The above line is fucking critical; I will emphasis more about it later)”



The sharp eye for detail is needed SOLELY for one purpose, to find a BETTER writer than you, utilizing somewhat similar styles and FUCKING STEAL FROM HIM/HER. When I say STEAL FROM HIM/HER, SHOW NO MERCY!



This is one of the hardest parts to master about plagiarism. Many have common sense and good grammatical/vocabulary prowess but lack the sharp eye.



Why do I say that this is fucking critical?



a) If you are unable to find a BETTER writer than you to steal from, you will NEVER improve. Put it this way, if given a chance will you fucking learn Tennis from Roger Federer or Samuel The Great?

b) If you find a BETTER writer than you but he/she writes in a different style from yours, stealing from him/her will only make you out as a PRETENDER. A poser LOL, POSER SHIT!!! It’s like er… Ogre Magi teaching Naix how to doublecast fireballs??? HE JUST CAN’T DO IT; HE IS A FUCKING NAIX, AN AGILITY HERO, NOT INTEL.

c) No matter how good a writer is, the key captivating elements or climax factors of his written work cannot possibly fill EVERYTHING. Surmise to say, if he writes an article with a head, body and tail. The Sharp Eye must be able to EXTRACT the best parts from that masterpiece.



       Dashdlkashdk ahsdlkhasdklashdkhaskjldhasjkdh asdhklashd klahsd lashdklahsd klasdklj haskjldhalksh kahsdklj haskdh kashd kljashdklj haslkhd.

       Ajsdhasjkdhkjasdhfkjasdhf fasdkjhfksadhfksadh kjasdfsd kjsadkj fa fsdhfgshdgfasdkhfgasdgfsad gfasdgfagfsadg gsdfg sadfg sadgfsdag fsadgf gsadfgasd fkjsadg sg adf gsadkjf asj fsdg fjsdag sdf gasdfasg djgsadf gfsadg fjsgdf gsadf gsjdf gdahgf agsdf sagd gdf sgak fsadgf asdfsad fgsdfsadglfsadgf lkjsdajf hlsadjf hklsdakljf sdanhkf sadnhf nasdkfn alkf nksadfn skadjfn sdaf nsadkj fsadkfj hsdnaf.

      Sadjfn sakldfn sadkjf sldaf sadkljf nmsldkafh nkjlf hnlmsadhfn sadjf hnsldahf nlsadjfh nksadfh sadnjfh sadf adas.





Yup the Sharp Eye must be able to filter out the goodies and leave behind the meanies.



Having the Sharingan helps but unless your Surname is Uchiha or you are Samuel, tough luck bro FYL (fugurlife).

4. Patience

To be a good plagiarizer, you gotta have PATIENCE. Don’t rush to submit that piece of work or proposal just yet. Sit through it; modify it (aka MASK IT AND DUST UP YOUR DIRTY TRACKS) till you are convinced that you have turned the apple into an orange.



Annoying orange – HEY APPLE, HEY APPLE, HEY APPLE x9999

HEY PLUMPKIN, HEY PLUMPKIN x9999

Knife…

A lot of people get their ass busted at this point because they too KAN CHIONG! Why so anxious? When Anakin too KAN CHIONG and charge towards Count Dooku in Star Wars Episode 2, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPEN????? Fucking gana fried!

Dota 1v1



Opponent: CHOOSE LA NOOBHOST!!!

Opponent: KNN KIN LA

Opponent: BO JI AH

Sam: Anxious to lose?

Opponent: KPKB LA CBK YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING QUIT!



You all know the results.



5. Luck

Lady Luck is a huge deciding factor in the world of plagiarism. Sometimes it’s all about timing… (ngo wa timing ah, lei yi ti umm ngam timing ge zhao tong ngo sei fan oak kay la) This point is really hard to explain but ask any seasoned plagiarizer and they will tell you that Luck does play a part however minor it might be.



When you try to PUA HENG SUAY in plagiarism, take note of these three very important things.



a) Cosplay FFX-2 Lady Luck Suit if possible

b) Sphere grid yourself to 255luck

c) Make such Leng Zai Jinn Quek aka Camui Gakuto is at least 500metres proximity radius away from you at the time of your ‘criminal activity’ because he really SUAY-GA- LAO-SAI and his SUAYNESS is contagious.

If all else fails, www.guanyinma.com will always be there for you.

the 'selling this drum' part i fucking BUAY TA HAN laugh like one dog

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Sam’s inspiration (places he regularly thieves from)



Cracked.com – Ahmm Cio in the office till people thought I ki-siao. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!



Maddox Best Page in the Universe – Has a lot of classic posts, not much updates though.



Gamesfaq – Look out for the insults and trolling.



TheTrueTakahina – Used to thief from TTT when I first started out but stopped after I developed my own style.



Encyclopediadramatica.com – Laugh until can break into cold sweat, just type China…

(May contain gore/sexual/disturbing images, not recommended for the faint hearted)



Urban dictionary – Definition of a slut: A woman with the morals of a man.

Definition of Raptor Jesus: Nowhere in the bible does it say that Jesus isn’t a raptor.



Facebook – Wall stealing. Some people really have a knack for posting funny vids and pictures; I do what I do best… I make it mine.



Youtube comments – Need I say more? Im really happy 4 u beyonce but IF YOU WERE A BOY, you would have a penis.





Dispel this myth of yours that PLAGIARISM is bad and all. Trust me; plagiarism isn’t as uncommon as you think. The music you listen to these days, the inventions you are using at the moment, the books you are reading… They could very well be the product of PLAGIARISM.


Plagiarism when utilized correctly is called 发扬光大
Just like President Zhou would rap in 红模仿

让我常常在想　为长只有一个太阳


为什么我的影子这么多这么像

love this song




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Notable Plagiarism (credits – cracked.com)



Fergie- Fergalicious

way to go fergie

Led Zeppelin – Stairway to Heaven



Thomas Edison- Light bulb


Andrew Lloyd Webber – Phantom of the Opera

one of the most famous composers

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. – Doctoral Thesis


I will throw in some of mine

S.H.E - The 3 Princesses of Thievery, no one in the Chinese POP Industry can beat them. Fuck they even stole from Ayumi Hamasaki... Britney Spears... Mozart...


Rihanna - We all know how Ribena steals.

Oasis- Whatever

nice one noel

Oasis- Shakermaker

Coldplay - Viva La Vida

you used to rule the world chris