Are you up for it?

Gaming console owners will be familiar with this one, Achievements. Achievements are a form of recognition and ‘bragging rights’ that make a gamer believe that he/she is relatively cooler or better than the average button masher. Another term or equivalent word would be ‘Trophies’.

Achievements vary from game to game.

For example, you have Achievements like ‘Finish the boss battle without taking damage, Collect all in-game items or Complete the game at with party of level 1s etc…’.

To be honest, most of these Achievements are extremely time-consuming, some are even impossible.
Today’s post however will not be about GAMING Achievements. They will be about PRESENT DAY Sporting Achievements. The type where will make you an overnight hero or legend if you actually accomplish them. Heck in fact I believe the Queen will personally knight you if you can break any of the Achievements I am going to list.

your ticket to heaven

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In order of Ascending Difficulty

8. Out dribble Lionel Messi

Red dude 1: OIE TACKLE HIM LEH CB!!! KUAR HEE AH?????

Red Dude 2: KP LA U TRY LA

There are a lot of great dribblers throughout soccer history, names like Garrincha, Maradona, Zico, Dennis Bergkamp and Ronaldinho will appear at the back of most people’s mind. However when you talk CURRENT, when you talk NOW, nobody stands a chance against the 1.69m Messiah.
When we talk Messi, one name will definitely be shouted out ‘WHAT ABOUT CRISTIANO RONALDO?’

Yes yes, CR9 is also a very good dribbler. He refines ordinary textbook techniques such as simple step-overs, side-steps and the Rabona and uses them to great effectiveness.

i didn't pay 80million pounds for a ball-tricks performer, you arsehole

Here’s the difference, Messi doesn’t use any of these.

He doesn’t need to train or refine ‘tricks’ unlike CR9. His height and low CG coupled with his blazing fast feet allow him to change pace and direction on the go instantly. Messi’s most valuable asset remains being able to run as quickly with the ball as he does without it. Yeah that is pretty ridiculous if you ask me, it’s like putting on a bloody float and YET swimming as fast as you would normally without the float.

The ball is like his faithful pet dog, it doesn’t leave his side unless he wants it do. You want to be famous in soccer; you just have to out dribble the Messiah. You don’t even have to hail from a winning team. Any B-Grade soccer clubs that can groom a player who can dribble better than Messi would have gotten themselves ‘THE NEXT BIG THING’.

7. Beating Manny Pacquiao

who's next?

Quite possibly the best pound for pound boxer in the world. His current professional record stands as 51 Wins, 3 Defeats and 2 Draws. I’m not a boxing fan but trust me, fighting in an extremely competitive environment (the Square ring with nowhere to run) for 56 times and winning 51 of those bouts, I think its pretty gay ya?

6. Defeat the King of Clay on… … … C-L-A-Y

SUCK IT FED EXPRESS

I think Roger Federer aka the FED EXPRESS gets too much credit on the global Tennis scene. The World number 1 might be the best Tennis player to have existed but when it comes to playing on Clay Courts, nobody messes with Rafael Nadal, not even Raptor Jesus… or Chuck Norris.
He set the world record win streak on Clay with 81consecutive victories.

2 years of continuously thrashing n00bs on clay, even the egoistic Sam would get bored.
Ironically, his 81 wins streak ultimately got ended by his bff (rival) the FED EXPRESS.

Fed Express - He Delivers

Hmm… That’s like hearing Double kill, Triple Kill, Ultra Kill, RAMPAGE, HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT ….. 81 times over on Roger’s screen after he won Nadal.

Nevertheless Nadal is still very very deadly and widely considered to be the best to have played on Clay. The number of Clay losses for Nadal can be counted by the fingers on his hands.

5. Winning Michael Phelps in Butterfly

i don't even drive to work losers, I SWIM!

We all agree that Michael Phelps is the best Swimmer/Olympian around but how many of you know that his specialty stroke is actually the Butterfly?

He wins medals in nearly all strokes and categories such as Freestyle, Breaststroke and Individual Medley but when it comes to the Butterfly, the King is alone.

As you can see from this screenshot, from the period of March 30, 2001 - present, his only competitor is… HIMSELF! What a joke seriously, 9 fucking years on top…

4. Faster than Lightning

i won... AGAIN???

Usain Bolt won the 2008 Olympics Sprinting event with an untied shoelace and some fanciful showboating towards the finishing line. During the interview, he said he just had CHIKIN NUGGETS for breakfast on the race day, talk about carbo-loading or sugar-rushing, obviously Bolt doesn’t give a shit knowing that he would win either way. Best part, he still broke the world record setting a timing of 9.69s.

Gatorade can go to hell, chikin nuggets for the win

After critics accused him of being a prick for being too guai-lan and not showing respect to his opponents, Bolt did what he did best, by responding with ‘Actions speak louder than words’ setting a new world record of 9.58s.

Any faster than that you are going to have to teleport, or blink…

Usain Bolt joke

Bolt went into an Irish Pub wanting to get some drinks to chill out after a tiring day of practice.

Bartender: HEY MAN, ONLY IRISH ALLOWED IN HERE!

Bartender: You can go to the pub down the street, 10 MINUTES walk from here it accepts all patrons.

*Bolt shocked at the unfair treatment*

Bolt: Do you know who I am?

Bolt: I am USAIN BOLT!

Bartender: Ok for you, 5 MINUTES…

3. Break Mourinho’s home record

The Special one is well known for being a very vocal manager often hurling insults at the media, players and even fellow coaches. He called Arsene Wanker a voyeur (peeping tom), a comment which I laughed real fucken hard when I read it. Other exploits include insulting the whole Portuguese national team. ‘Portugal doesn’t stand a chance at 2010 World Cup, even if Cristiano Ronaldo played at 10 000 km per hour, they still wouldn’t win it.’

But you still got to respect the Special One; he has the nicest record of any manager still living today.

136 Home league matches UNBEATEN.

38 with Porto

60 with Chelsea

38 with Inter Milan

According to wiki, his last and ONLY home defeat came when Porto was defeated on 23 Feb 2002. In summary he went 8 years undefeated on home soil and even if you were to count his defeat, its still: Played 137, Win and Draw 136, Lose 1.

Being a Barcelona fan, I’m praying hard he doesn’t go to Real Madrid. I mean come on… when he left Chelsea for Inter (a club which previously nobody took seriously); he won the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE for them. It has been 45 years since Inter won the last Champions league, that’s like double my age +1.

He will make Barcelona sweat or maybe even cry for the title that’s for sure.

Mourinho joke

Guy A: WDF!!! INTER KNOCKED CHELSEA OUT OF THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DURING THE RETURN LEG???

Guy B: Yea… They won 1-0

Guy A: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE, HOW CAN CHELSEA LOSE WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING AT HOME!!!

Guy B: Hey dumbass, have you forgotten that Mourinho NEVER loses at Stamford Bridge?

2. Topple Tiger Woods

can you dig it sucka?

The world’s most famous womanizer and richest sportsman spent a total of 600 weeks at the peak. That’s about double the amount of the next closest challenger. He is still playing, on and ‘off’ the pitch (pun intended) so expect the record to continue scaling.

DID YOU KNOW

Woods is so fucking imbalanced, golf analysts actually came out with Tiger Proofing. A collective analysis/article based research to conclude if having Tiger Woods is actually bad for golf? Apparently the golf experts are afraid that Tiger Woods would eventually drive all competition out of the game as the others are merely fighting for second.

Woods also confessed to having about 120 affairs behind his wife’s back.

It’s so hard to beat this guy… Professionally or Socially… - Samuel the Great

1. Ping Pang Shen (God of Table-tennis)

God in Human form - Female

Meet Zhang Yining, the legendary female tennis table player. I heard Phelps losing before, same for Tiger Woods and Nadal but Zhang… NOT REALLY.

She has been World no.1 since Jan 2003 for both women’s singles and doubles.

fucking haxor!!!

2 silvers, the rest GOLD

But notice the date of the silvers; it’s when she was still relatively new 1999 and 2003. Or she could have been suffering from a bad hair day whatever … Point is her worst performance was a Silver, when we hear Federer blowing it, he really blows it by losing to unranked players, when we hear Liverpool sucking, they really suck ass from a straw by finishing 7th but when we hear Zhang losing, oh it’s a convenient Silver. And her losses are RARE… Like 2 defeats in 11 years of major competition???

*Before the Semi Finals, at the locker room*

Female player A: HEY I WON THE BRONZE MEDAL!!!

Female player B: You haven’t even played your match yet, how do you know that you have won Bronze?

Female player A: Oh… I saw my match up, I am facing Zhang…

Female player B: WOW FYL LOL!!!

*1 week later*

Female player B: Hey guess what?

Female player A: I know… It’s ok… Silver is better than nothing

Female player B: fuck Zhang…


Moral of the story: Never fuck around with China

When Li Jiawei first came to Singapore… The average stupid blind Singaporean sports enthusiasts ‘THOUGHT’ we would finally stand a chance at winning glory in Table Tennis.

A: LI JIAWEI IS HERE BABY!!! WE WILL PWNS ALL ASSES IN TABLE TENNIS NAO!!!!!

Come on, China has 1.3 billion people, giving you their ‘leftovers’ or ‘scraps’ is small deal. Just like Barcelona, giving Arsenal Fabregas is no big deal; our midfield is still as strong as fuck.

Arsenal's Captain, Barcelona's Reject

When I watch Olympics table tennis finals ‘Singapore VS China’, I have this sudden urge to hold back my tears of laughter. Why?

Because in the first place they got the name wrong, it’s supposed to be ‘China Team 1 VS China Team 2’.

Disgraceful… To put Singapore VS China

IT’S LIKE WE ACTUALLY BRED AND TRAINED THOSE PLAYERS…

Best thing is that they even bother playing the Singapore National Anthem for Silver Category Winners… LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about playing the China national Anthem back to back in the future?

Empress Cleavage...I MEAN EMPRESS GONG LI is not impressed

CHINA WILL GROW LARGER!!!