On today's episode of HoneyHushHush, Lionel Samuel Messi Lim The Great has decided to do a review on Final Fantasy 13. EHHHH??? WHY NO MORE TORRES???? COS MESSI IS DA SHIT NOW YO, YOU GOT A 20DOLLAR BILL PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!
For every goal he scores against your pathetic team, Messi offers you a free soccer boot.
Why have I taken the time to review Final Fantasy 13? Well I asked around and from all the responses gathered, I believe that among all my PS3 owning friends, I am the first to have bought this game. I think I got it a week straight after its International release.
Usually before reviewing something, I would at least complete it first eg. Movies, Games, Music ...
But Final Fantasy 13 is a different story, an exception to the rule. Its mandatory that I review it FOR YOU at this point even though I am only 75% through the game BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU FUCKING STABBING YOURSELF IN HORROR AFTER BUYING THIS GAME.
The writer has some DECENT credibility as a reviewer of Final Fantasy... Don't you worry there!
I have played FF3,7,8,9,10,10-2,12 and 13
7 created a global impact for the final fantasy title, eventually expanding into Anime and Advent Children.
rating: 7.5/10
8 was the most imbalanced ff of all time, cos nearly every fucker I asked who played 8 spammed Squall's renzokuken-lionheart at the start of battles. If you didn't spam renzokuken, it would most probably be Quistis's degenerate, Zell's Duel or Irwin's Shot. IF YOU NEVER USED ANY OF THE ABOVE IN RANDOM BATTLES OR BOSS FIGHTS, congrats you are Edward Cullen.
rating: 8/10
all too familiar
9 was back to old-sch ff. It is also my favourite ff because its my first. But you know what, the main villian wore a THONG, fhl (fughislife). Its like Kuja wanted to beat Mana in a Visual Kei 'Pretty boy' contest so badly.
rating: 8.5/10
nice er... thongs?
mana-sama, hes a guy i swear
10 in my opinion had the best storyline. BLITZ-FUKEN-BALL, dark aeons, arena.... Holy Smoke
rating: 9/10
10-2 ... What can I say, apart from using 3 gunners and catnipping my way through, Shinra is the only other thing worth mentioning. Blitz Ball is no longer Blitz Ball, its now Championship Manager Blitz Ball. Not alot of people noticed this but when you Sphere change the girls to their ultimate dress-sphere, they get FULLY NAKED for a split second or so (credits to my Sharingan eyes).
rating: 7.5/10
12 had the best gameplay and battle control. Its map exploration also put the other ffs to shame. Gambit system was fucking genius on the part of Square Enix.
rating 9/10
Ladies and Gents
The 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FINAL FANTASY 13
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1. The Cast
Miss Cloud Strife aka Lightning Farron.
You know when I play FF, I can say 'Wah.. this one chio... WAH YUNA ZHAO GENG!!!!.... OMG QUISTIS IS MY INSTRUCTOR????.... Rikku so cuteeeee... Ashe MINISKIRT SOOO FUCKEN SHORT MY NOSE BLEEDING LIKE A HOSE SIOL...
BUT
when it comes to Lightning Farron, I can't praise her beauty. Cos if I do, it means I am gay for Cloud.
Hope aka Ruki of The GazettE
Hope is the team's healer/ravager class. Apart from healing your party while you are getting fucked by the immensely challenging game, Hope spends the rest of his time doing up his hair.
In my first 2 hours of Final Fantasy 13, I mistook Vanille for Serah, that is how pathetic the situation can get. I even confidently told my sister in the opening scenes, 'JieJie you see, that is Serah... She is Lightning's sister'. My sister read the guidebook and replied, 'NO LEH the picture put her name is Vanille'. I was adamant, 'THAT ONE IS SERAH LA, YOU THINK I DUNNO WHO SERAH IS MEH?????? I ALREADY WIKI THE GAME LIAO HOR'.
FML...
Lessons learnt
a) when in doubt, STFU
b) do not dis-agree with the fucking official guidebook
Serah is pretty young in the game so that makes Snow a... Yeah... a PEDOBEAR
Look at the headgear they both wear in the above pictures, its prove enough.
Obama before he became the 44th President of the United States
2. THIS GAME IS COMPLETELY ENTIRELY WHOLLY LINEAR
Unlike in ff7,8,9,10,10-2 and 12 where you can roam around in the world map, area zone or town, ff13 DOESN'T ALLOW you to do so. You follow a fucking yellow guiding arrow throughout the whole game. You can't strafe from it as the yellow arrow is a NECESSARY PATH FOR STORY PROGRESSION. You never have to worry about getting lost in a maze or town because movement is absolutely IDIOT PROOF.
3. NO TOWNS / NO SHOPS / NO INNS / NO DOORS FOR YOU TO ENTER
Yup totally taken out from ff13.
Here's a minute
Have you recovered from your state of shock?
You do your shopping, upgrading, saving, dismantling, watching pron and jerking off ALL from a fucking save-point.
God... This is bullshit
4. THE DIFFICULTY
This game is so bloody challenging they don't even bother making you restart the game if you die, they just added a RETRY function. Because of this retry function, I sold off all my phoenix downs, potions, status-restorative items as they became FUCKING REDUNDANT. Also in this game, you can surprise a creep and get a pre-emptive strike against them. To do so, you must approach them from the back. Failing that, you will enter battle without pre-emptive strike.
BUT ITS OK YOU CAN ALWAYS PRESS START AND SELECT RETRY!!!
All hail retry.
Did I mention you can use retry ANYTIME during the battle? 3 seconds into it, or 30 mins, the RETRY is always available.
Monsters can easily mess you up in ff13. It doesn't matter how strong your party is, it all boils down to your Paradigm set-up (role system), get it wrong and you are all poised to retry.
5. Square Enix's economic crisis
The effects of the Great Recession attack was so wide-reaching that it even affected video games. In ff13, you are one poor bastard. Once a poor bastard, always a poor bastard. You will be poor at the start of the game, mid of the game and end of the game.
You no longer earn gil aka money from monster battles.
You acquire money from selling items.
Unlike ff12 where selling loots actually benefit your party's growth in the long run, selling shit in ff13 will drag you further into the downwards 'shithole' spiral. Loots in ff13 are called components. Now you won't be selling those because if you did, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO UPGRADE YOUR STUFF?
But sometimes you get lucky, open a chest and it contains GIL.
In such rare occurrences, this is Samuel's reaction
*You obtained 2610 gil*
OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHoooohhHHHhhHHhhh WOOOOOOOOOOOooOOOoooO HAaahaAAahhhAAAAAhaaaa OOoohhhhHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
6. Auto isn't Auto.
Honestly I have no effing idea what the game producers were thinking when they commissioned the equipments. Suppose I equip an amulet which grants me Auto-Protect, I will assume that the effect lasts the entire fight. I mean come on, that has been the case for ALL previous ffs. But in ff13, an Auto ability HAS A FUCKING DURATION. WHAT A MASSIVE JOKE! I timed the Auto duration and its about 2-3 mins. That means after 2-3 mins, it just wears off. Reviving or using a phoenix down on your character isn't going to reset the timer. When its gone, its GONE FOR GOOD. FUCKTARDED ISN'T IT???
So if you equip ANY Auto equipments in a boss fight, you are a certified MORON because I can bet my arse the fight is gonna drag longer than 3 mins thus rendering your equipment useless.
This is perhaps one of the BIGGEST fail in Square Enix history and I AM SERIOUS.
in fact this picture shows you how serious i am
7. Imperial China Battles
Its just like Ancient China, if your general/leader falls, you lose the battle. (brings back memories eh, your mighty lubu dominating the whole battlefield BUT you lose because that fat piece of lard Dong Zhuo dies in the crucial last few moments) If doesn't matter even if your two remaining characters are healthy or fit enough to run a triathlon. Many times I lost the fight and had to retry because FUCKING RUKI, I mean... Hope was too chikin shit to take a few hits.
MY GOD, LEARN FROM FF12
GIVE US THE OPTION TO REVIVE OUR FUCKING LEADER OR ROTATE HIM/HER OUT!
IF NOT WHATS THE FUCKING POINT OF GIVING US 6 CHARACTERS??????
8. The game dictates you just like in The Matrix movies
The Crystal Upgrading Board (something like a spheregrid where you improve your stats) slowly expands as you progress throughout the story. This means you can no longer 'grind' to overlevel or overpower your character anymore. No more Yuna hitting for overkill99,999 on a fucking Dingo because you have to GO WITH THE FLOW OF THE STORY. And I can tell you this is a bitch because it makes the game WAY more difficult.
dingo is happy in ff13
Even battles have became exceptionally boring. Sometimes I just put my fingers on O, repeatedly press it for the entire time and watch Lightning wipe the floor of all competition. Occasionally I press L1 to change the Paradigm formation here and there... The gameplay has gone down the drain and this is one major reason why ff13 pales in comparison to ff12.
9. Eidolons
This is just about the second stupidest thing in ff13 (losing out only to point 6), Eidolons aka Summons. The summons are so weak they can't even DEFEAT a normal battle on their own, much less aid you in a boss fight. I sincerely believe summoning is purely for cosmetic/graphical purposes now. Gone are the days where Knights of the Round, Eden, Madeen, Anima can shine, impress and SAVE YOUR ASS.
Now its ' ODIN I CHOOSE YOU '
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
'ODIN, GESTALT MODE'
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
'ODIN, ZANTESUKEN'
'WHAT????? MONSTERS STILL ALIVE?????!!!????!!?'
'GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING POKEBALL ODIN AND NO MORE LUNCH FOR YOU FOR THE NEXT 3 WEEKS YOU WHOREFACE'
*ODIN LEAVES*
*party carries on fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*fight*
*win*
10. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE THE SIDE-QUESTS GONE?
I am at chapter 12 now, chapter 13 is the final chapter. I HAVE ATTEMPTED NOTHING but 2 'compulsory story mode' side-quests which requires me to hunt down monsters. SO DAMN ORIGINAL, MONSTER HUNTING.
Apparently you will get to do the Chocobo quests later on in the game but the question is WHEN???? I am at chapter 12 FOR FUCKS SAKE. YOU MEAN I CAN ONLY DO THE CHOCOBO QUESTS OR ALL OTHER INTERESTING SIDE-QUESTS AFTER I COMPLETED THE MAIN STORY?????
chocobo chick is not impressed with ff13
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Now don't get me started on the music of ff13. I might vomit my spleen if I have to put it down in words.
In short NO NOBUO UEMATSU = FAIL
If you think you will ever get to hear a piece like Balamb Garden, One Winged Angel or To Zanarkand in ff13, wait long long ah (tan-gu-gu).
So peeps when are you all getting your Failure Fantasy XIII?
