Have you ever wanted to rule the world? That might be one of the many ambitions you harbored within you since childhood. But nobody ever successfully conquered the world you know right…
Some came close but they all failed eventually.
There are several explanations to this enigmatic question: ‘Why can’t someone or anybody conquer the entire world?’
1. The Earth is fucking huge if you haven’t already realized by now. Fully conquering it is very very challenging.
2. Time. No human is immortal. You can have a great conquering streak but lose steam/breakdown because of old age or poor health.
3. Humans are flawed by nature and make mistakes. Some of these mistakes are extremely costly especially in the event of war.
4. Bad luck. Nature can severely fuck up your war plans by just throwing a harsh winter or drought.
5. They never had Samuel in their army. (ok no.5 is bullshit)
This post will cover some of the greatest empires, militaries, rulers and key figures that attempted to rule the world. Well at least they tried.
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Contender 1 – The Persian Empire
Relatively huge Empire which spanned three continents, Asia, Europe and ZAMINA-MINA EH EH Waka Waka Ehhhhhh Africa. Contrary to popular belief, the Persian Empire was not comprised entirely of cats.
ITS SO FLUFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Notable names,
Cyrus The Great (not to be confused with Miley Cyrus), founder of the Persian Empire. Cyrus was ultimately slain in battle by a military force led by a woman named Tomyris. Damn you Cyrus, you are a disgrace to the male spectrum…
Xerxes I of Persia aka Xerxes The Great, the lamer who got embarrassed by King Leonidas (superior) in the Battle of Thermopylae. Considering that Leonidas lost to a fucking penguin (joke) in ‘Meet The Spartans’, it was truly an insult to injury for Xerxes. Put it this way, Christina Aguilera losing in a singing competition to Mariah Carey (superior), Mariah in turn loses to Paris Hilton (joke) in the finals. Try to empathize with Christina and feel the pain and shame she has to endure… from this awkward situation.
Battle strengths,
Unlike their rivals or counterparts, the Persians didn’t believe in the exploitations of military strategies or warfare planning. Their mindset was simple, ‘planning is for pussies’. We triumph with numbers! And that’s how the Persians win battles, they just fucking swarm you with their sheer numbers till you can’t defend and surrender. Watch 300. Watch it again.
A modern day equivalent would be China and their Red Army. If China wants to start a war with any nation, its 1.3billion population can just pee in plastic bags, tie it up and use them as waterbombs. It will Tsunami the enemy to a surrender situation. (And mind you the Tsunami would be yellow in colour too)
Decline,
The Persian Empire got swallowed by Alexander The Great and closed shop in 330BC.
Contender 2 – Macedonian Empire
You just need to know of them as the strongest state in Ancient Greece. Ancient Greece is famous for churning out a hell lot of talents. From philosophers Socrates, Plato and Aristotle to authors Homer and Lucian to great generals/rulers Alexander The Great and Leonidas. In fact, Greece is famous for propagating their culture, religion and history throughout the world. You know like Greek Mythology, Zeus and Co., Trojan War, Trojan condoms, Olympic Games, God of War series and FUCKING MATHEMATICS.
Kratos?!?!! is that you??? Holy Mother Mary are you wearing a skirt....
Notable names,
Alexander The Great, perhaps the greatest conqueror ever. Tactically brilliant and fearsome in combat, Alexander The Great retains an undefeated record throughout his illustrious career. It is important to note that he was tutored by the legendary Aristotle who probably taught him some cheat codes such as whosyourdaddy, greedisgood 99999999, power overwhelming and ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A. That explains his invincibility on the battlefield. Haxor…
Battle strengths,
Apart from having the most imbalanced general of all time, the Macedonians were also capable fighters. They created the Phalanx formation, had superior Calvary and hoplites and utilized exceptionally savvy combat tactics. The Macedonians also excelled in duels. If you have to ever go 1 on 1 with a Macedonian fighter, chances are you are fucked, big time. The Macedonians even beat the Spartan army not once but TWICE. I would have you know that the Spartans were at that time known as a warrior race, deadly, fearless and battle hungry.
Phalanx formation
Enemy: Have you gone bonkers, there is no way in hell you can win here! We outnumber you 5:1
Macedonian hoplite 1: IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER, WE GOT ALEXANDER THE GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Macedonian hoplite 2- 33- 5550: ALEXANDER THE ‘FUCKING’ GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enemy: Errr… can we surrender?
Macedonian hoplite 1: ADMIT IT, YOU FEAR OUR LEADER!
Enemy: Come on, we could work it out… You know, have a beer together or something…
Samuel's choice
Decline,
Death of Alexander The Great threw the empire into chaos. Soon after, the Macedonian Empire fell to the mighty Roman Empire in 146BC. But it’s a good thing though because if Alexander The Great was immortal, we would all be speaking the Macedonian language today because he would VERY LIKELY have conquered the entire world.
Contender 3 – The Roman Empire
Without a doubt the most famous Ancient empire. Think The Coliseum, minted coins, gladiators and the iconic red wearing Roman Army. Sadly the only impression we have about Rome today is the Vatican City and Tom Hanks running around like a headless chicken in those shitty Dan Brown novel-inspired-movies.
Notable names,
Julius Caesar, roman dictator who transformed the Roman Republic to the almighty Roman Empire. Other achievements include establishing the bureaucratic system in the Roman Empire, bedding Cleopatra (superhot Egyptian Pharoah) and quoting lots of epic stuff.
The assassination of Caesar,
Caesar was a narcissistic douchebag who thought he was cooler than Freddie Mercury of Queen and this did not sit in well with the majority of his men who absolutely adored the British band to bits. Thus they plotted to get Caesar TERMINATED. However due to a tight budget constrain, they could not afford Arnold Schwarzenegger and had to resort to the primitive method of knifing Caesar to death.
Historians debated and believed that Caesar’s last words were, ‘You too, child?’ or ‘You too, Brutus?’ I don’t get what’s the big issue here. Caesar got stabbed 23 fucken times. If that happened to me, I would probably have screeched in an excruciating manner,
‘ORD LOHHH!!!!!!!’ or
‘FML!!!!!’ rather than let off an anti-climatic ‘You too, child?’ If I saw Woon in the crowd of assassins, perhaps I would have added,
‘HE BI NE...’
I came, I saw, I conquered
-Julius Caesar
He came, he saw, he got conquered
-Servilius Casca
I came, I saw, I ‘came’
-Julius Caesar on Roman brothels
I came, I saw, I came again
-Julius Caesar on Jay Chou concerts
Augustus, first emperor of the Roman Empire. Did the usual things Roman Emperors did, war, politics, expansion blahblahblah… the only cool shit about this dude was that when he died, he was declared a god by the Senate and was to be WORSHIPPED by the Romans.
Commodus, self-delusional Roman Emperor who thought he was Hercules incarnate. Commodus also had a strange liking to gladiatorial combat. Because he was Emperor, his opponents always submitted to him resulting in ‘inglorious’ victories. I am guessing Commodus is vegetarian as he seems to fucking hate animals. He slays elephants, giraffes, ostriches and lions in the arena to feed his own ego as a great gladiator, what a jerk.
In 2000's Academy Award-winner for Best Picture, Gladiator, Commodus serves as the main antagonist of the film. He is depicted as cowardly, greedy and ruthless. He is played by
Roger Federer.
Official movie credits state Joaquin Phoenix though…
This is Hollywood actor, Joaquin Phoenix
This is 16 times Tennis Grand Slam Champion, Roger Federer
(SERIOUSLY DON'T THEY FUCKING LOOK IDENTICAL?)
Battle strengths,
The Roman Army (not to be confused with Russian billionaire and Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich’s 40-person private army) was a very well disciplined, controlled, efficient and organized military force. The Roman legions were greatly feared throughout the lands. The army was considered a career back then and soldiers were paid according to their ranks and duration of service.
The Roman Army’s specialty stems from their capable defensive abilities. Unlike the barbarians who adopted a straightforward ‘KNN CHIONG FIRST, TALK LATER’ strategy, the Roman Army formulated many in-depth war plans which utilized sophisticated battle formations such as ‘forward defense’, ‘protected flank’, ‘wedge formation’, ‘single line defense’ and ‘COVER MY FUCKING ASS, YOU CB’. To put it in modern day context, the Roman Army’s infantry tactics are pretty much like Final Fantasy XIII’s Paradigm Shift System.
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Sam: WTF ARE U DOING?!!? *shouting at his party of Sazh, Snow and Fang*
Sam: HEAL THE FUCKING BITCH, SHE IS DYING!!!
*Paradigm shifts to Salvation – Medic + Medic + Medic*
Sam: Ok now koncentrate attack on the Shaolong gui…
*Paradigm shifts to Relentless Assault – Commando + Ravager + Ravager*
*Shaolong gui casts Ultima*
Sam: HONG KAN!!! (note that its hong kan with a
‘K’, this shows the severity)
*Paradigm shifts to Tortoise – SEN + SEN + SEN*
Sam: wah heng ar!
Sam: Eh heng orh? Heng Orh? HENG ORH??
Shaolong gui: heng le eh cb ar heng…
Decline,
Western Roman Empire aka fake Roman Empire (the posers) fell in AD476 while Byzantine Empire, the direct line of royal succession from ancient Roman Emperors such as Augustine, Nero and Titus fell in AD1453 to the Ottoman Empire. The Forth Crusade proved to be the costliest mistake of the Roman Empire and it eventually led to their downfall. It was meant to conquer the Muslim dominated Jerusalem but it backfired due to poor planning, betrayals and a lack of McDonald’s to motivate the soldiers to carry on fighting. Want to ‘jiak’ the Muslims end up ‘tio jiak’ by them. Malu siol…
Contender 4 – Mongol Empire
The Mongol Empire is the largest contiguous Empire in the history of the world. At the peak of its power, it covers 22% of the Earth’s total land area. Contiguous means sharing a common border, land to land. The British Empire although larger than the Mongol Empire in size was not contiguous as its conquests were geographically apart.
Notable names,
Genghis Khan (pronounced as Genghis CUNT) is the Khagan of the Mongol Empire and is commonly regarded as the founding father of Mongolia (a country nobody gives a shit about). His hobbies include invading other nations snatching their wealth/resources/women, wrestling with centaurs and playing Age of Empires. His subordinates know him as the guy who “DOESN’T AFRAID OF ANYTHING”.
By the way, Ms Sarah is totally shameless in Age of Empires... She spams 'Bigdaddy' cheatcodes like no tomorrow
Kublai Khan, a random Mongolian CUNT who later became founder of the Yuan Dynasty in East Asia, China. Kublai is also the first non-Chinese to successfully conquer all of China. If Kublai and LMao Zedong existed during the same era, LMao Zedong would probably pee his fucking pants whenever the name, Kublai was mentioned. Chances are Kublai would tie LMao Zedong to a horse and let it gallop through weekend horse races to entertain him and his troops. Yes, the Mongols are THAT STRONG! Their ferocity is unmatched. Consider the Mongols Tier 1 Grade ‘A’ fighters, superior to the Chinks in everyway. Think Batista VS Funaki.
AND THE BEST OF ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROFLMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
THIS PICTURE FUCKING CRACKS ME UP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
JUST LOOK AT HIS EXPRESSION!!!! like wanna laugh but cannot laugh, holding it in!!!
BUAY TA HAN!!! LOLLLLLLLLOLOLOL
Battle strengths,
1 – Superior cavalry archers. The Mongol bow was ahead of its time. Coupled with skillful archers mounted on horses, the enemy stood little chance. And to clarify all doubts once and for all, the Mongols never used centaurs in their conquests… Centaurs are fucking mythical creatures.
2 – Mobility. Each Mongol soldier maintained three to four horses. What The Flying Fuck seriously! In China, one horse would probably be shared among 249 foot soldiers. On top of that, unlike the Mongols who put their horses to good use such as swift traveling and horseback archery, the stupid Chinks would mostly likely boil or steam the horse to enjoy delicious pony dim sum.
来啊 大家 来啊
今天有好东西吃
马肉！！！
3 – Training. The Mongols trained hard in the art of war. Heck they even organized hunting excursions with rather strict rules. All the time they had, they just trained. They were very loyal and disciplined as well. If one soldier ran from danger in battle, then he and his nine comrades from the same section would face the death penalty together. So its like, no way I am fucking teaming with Benji… he’s gonna get us all killed, not in battle but FROM PUNISHMENT.
4 – Psychological warfare aka mindfuck. The Mongols loved mindfuck tactics. You either surrender, pay tributes OR WE WILL BURN EVERY MOTHERFUCKING INCH OF YOUR CITY DOWN!!! This is actually diplomacy at the highest level. I am giving you a ‘chance’. Refuse it and thatsit.com for you.
5 – Flanking. The Mongols were masters of flanking the enemies. If you don’t know what flanking is, take it as the equivalent of ‘BACKSTAB!!!!!!’ hollered by those rowdy Ah Bengs in lanshops. All you need to know is that when the Mongols strike, they will strike you left right up down front bottom centre. Even if you do manage to escape, a fucking centaur will appear from out of nowhere (im guessing its blink dagger) and STUN you for a good few seconds followed by an arrow to your throat by a nearby archer to end your misery. (Wait I thought I mentioned the Mongolians never used centaurs?????)
yup, ur fucked
Decline,
After the passing of all the Great Cunts, the Mongol Empire became rifled with internal conflicts. Everybody wanted to be the biggest CUNT without appearing to be an ASSHOLE at the same time. The native Chinks pissed off with all the drama, decided to take back the country for themselves. Enlisting the help of Donnie Yen and his lightning-quick fists, the Chinks finally overthrew the Yuan Dynasty in 1368 and dissolved the Mongol Empire. Donnie Yen became a national hero overnight, adored by his 1.3billion fellow countrymen.
Meanwhile Jet Li, infuriated over not being chosen to defend the Chinese pride decided to team up with the SI ANG MOHS to form The Expendables, a mercenary group aimed at taking revenge on Donnie‘fuckin’Yen in the future.
somebody call 91-HOLYSHIT!
Li’s logic was simple: I AM THE FUCKING HUO YUAN JIA. WHY CHOOSE IP MAN, NEVER CHOOSE ME?
He went on: IP MAN CAN 打十个????? I CAN 打一百个 LET U ALL SEE!!!!
When probed about the outstanding conflict between Donnie Yen and Jet Li, Tony Leung Chiu-Wai replied with: Ask them both tiam tiam la, I Zhou Yu also never make so much noise, they so kpkb for what?
Contender 5 – The Ottoman Empire
The Muslims, sick and tired of the constant bullying by the Christians decided to band together to form an all-out offensive Islamic military force. They swept through the continent and conquered many parts of Southern Europe, Western Asia and North Africa. The Ottoman Empire was also known for its vast extravagant wealth and great military strength. Some of the most valuable jewelries and artifacts on Earth originated from within the Ottoman Empire. I’m guessing some of these treasures include the genie lamp and magical flying carpet from the Aladdin movies.
The Ottoman Empire is also known as the Turkish Empire or simply Turkey. At least now you know why the English eat turkeys every Thanksgiving. It’s a form of historical revenge gesture.
Notable names,
Suleiman the Magnificient is the longest reigning sultan of the Ottoman Empire. During his reign, the Ottoman Empire was at the peak of its power, functioning somewhat as a superpower with no equal militarily and economically. He restructured the Ottoman legal system adding new laws such as, ‘no fucking leaving once the game started’, ‘person with lowest frag treats dinner’, ‘no swimming on rainy days, indoor pools inclusive’ and the greatest one known to mankind, ‘anyone caught listening to Justin Bieber will be denied food and water for 3 days’.
Jafar, Sultan of Agrabah and the power crazed sorcerer who tried to kill Aladdin in… well Aladdin. Jafar is one of the few rare villains who self-pwn himself by forcing Genie to make him a prisoner of the lamp. And to think the sorcerer-class is supposed to have high intelligence… the irony.
Battle strengths,
The Ottoman Empire was one of the earliest Empires to incorporate a full three way military platform involving land, sea and air. Its navy in particular was dominating the Mediterranean Sea. They also possessed superior Calvary and cannon power.
The Turks, a specialized investigative force sanctioned by the Shinra Electric Power Company proved to be very useful in combat too. Wearing black suits and ties and wielding weapons such as the katana, kunai, shuriken and electro-magnetic rod, the Turks raged through the battlefield clearing the path for the 1st class soldiers of the Ottoman Empire to enter later and unleash hell. If all else fails, the Turks are known to detonate hi-powered bombs to cause widespread damage to the enemy, nearby traffic, shop houses and even innocent stray dogs.
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Decline,
Being too powerful to be defeated, the Ottoman Empire got bored of its monopoly and decided to end all its mindless fighting and illegal ostrich races. Under the Treaty of Lausanne, it became known as the Republic of Turkey on 1923. Now that’s very commendable because you have to take into consideration that they were not defeated or toppled militarily by another foreign Empire or Nation though their economy was kinda fucked at that point. Also, the communications within the Empire could not effectively reach all its territories and this jeopardized coordination efforts. The Turks disbanded and went on to become personal bodyguards for important figures, etc Reno and Rude as bodyguards of Shinra’s President, Rufus in Advent Children...
Contender 6 – The British Empire
The biggest Empire by size, nicknamed the ‘The Empire on which the Sun never sets’. Basically it means the Empire was so fucken huge that at any one point of the day, one part of their territory was always in daylight. The British Empire at its peak took up almost one-quarter of the Earth’s total land area and had one-quarter of the world’s population at that time. Other worthy mentions about the British Empire include Queen Elizabeth II, Pirates of the Caribbean (East India Company) and the Opium War with the Chinks.
Notable names,
Her Majesty The Queen, self explanatory.
William Farquhar (William Fucker), first governor of Singapore.
Sir Stamford Raffles, founder of Singapore. He is also the winner of the most ‘guailan’ statue pose of all time.
even in death i fuckin' rock
John Lennon, singer and songwriter of the world’s greatest band, The Beatles.
Lennon remembers how many testicles he has
Captain Jack Sparrow, most famous pirate in the world. Sorry, Blackbeard.
Jet Li, secretly joined the British Empire and participated in numerous naval battles for the Brits in order to gain their favor. Li figured that in the future, he would need the help of the Brits to execute his sweet revenge on Donnie Yen.
Battle strengths,
The British Navy was the strongest in the world at that point. They were the undisputed Superpower before their collapse, ranking above USA and USSR. With their navy, they commenced their colonization plans to overtake the world, an island at a time.
If their Navy failed them, the Brits would use Opium to mess up their enemies. If Opium failed, their last resort would be to ban the screening of Barclays Premier League to the enemies. IF EVEN THE BANNING OF BPL FAILED!!!! They would use their last last last last last fuckin’ resort, yup you guessed it right…Jet Li.
Decline,
Before WWII, The British Empire was constantly tormented by the pain in the ass, Napoleon of France who threatened to invade Britain and put an end to the British expansion nonsense. According to his Vice-Admiral, Napoleon has had it with those motherfuckin' Brits on their motherfuckin' ships. It took the British Empire huge amounts of capital, resources and the summoning of Bahamut to finally defeat Napoleon and win the Napoleonic Wars.
poor napoleon couldn't dodge megaflare in time
Feeling cocky from the victory over Napoleon, the Brits dared and taunted the Japs to take the impregnable fortress, Singapore from them during WWII. They emailed Japanese sun goddess, Amaterasu to pose the challenge.
Dear Amaterasu,
You Jappos think ur coolshit huh? Well mate, try takin Singapore from us. But don’t even bother, coz no human can ever do it heh heh heh, NO HUMAN!!!
Bitch.
Regards,
Noel Gallagher
Oasis
Being a courteous goddess, Amaterasu replied Noel Gallagher and tried to cool him down.
^^^^^^^^ ^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^
^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ =)))
^^^^^^ ^
^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^
(Sadly being divine and all, her godly language could not be deciphered and understood by Noel Gallagher who took the reply as a form of aggravation)
Dear Amaterasu,
Yo bitch, wad da fug you sayin man? And what’s with the fucken smiley??? Are ye tryin to hook up with me? Im married btw and im not intendin to cheat on my missus.
Slut.
Regards,
Noel Gallagher
Oasis
Amaterasu upon reading the returning correspondence instantly burst into a rage of all-consuming flames. She enchanted the weapons of all the Jap soldiers with +230 fire damage/sec and gave them access to maphack version S.E.A.
With maphack version S.E.A, the Japs were able to navigate through Singapore on bicycles via the Malayan jungles with great ease. Upon entering Singapore, the Japs promptly shooed the Brits back to motherland in their heavily armor-clad battleships. The Brits while retreating in degradation bellowed hurtful insults back at the Japs: Well technically it doesn’t count, Singapore did NOT fall to humans. All Japanese are Pokemons, it’s a known fact. And you Japs are short and stupid and weird. So we still win kthxbye!
picture of a typical japanese high schooler
Bad news just continued to accumulate for the Brits as they sailed home. The Indians and Gandhi were fighting for independence, anti colonialism sentiments were running high, Hong Kong was about to be returned to the Tiongs and David Beckham was stubbornly refusing to retire from England National Football Team despite old age and frequent injuries.
wtf are you doing you retard
To make matters worst, the Empire was going bankrupt and had to take a loan from Uncle S.A.M (SI ANG MOHS). Ahh… at least now we know why America is termed Uncle Sam.
Shortly after, in 1997 the British Empire was no more. It’s critical to note that the dissolution of the British Empire meant nothing to the Spice Girls though as their albums were still selling like hotcakes throughout the globe.
Contender 7 – Nazi Germany
The Third Reich nearly conquered the whole of Europe in WW2, less Britain (lucky bastards protected by the sea). If Britain was within the main landlocked mass of Europe, Standard Chartered Bank would probably now be known as Standard Deutsche Bank. The Motto of Nazi Germany: Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führe (One People, One Reich, One Leader) Singapore’s popular national day song: One People, One Nation, One Singapore. (shdn’t comment any further, I don’t wish to drink coffee with ISD) Did you know that Adidas and Puma were both linked to the Nazi Party (their founders joined the Nazi Party) during WW2? That’s why Samuel The Great uses Nike, a SI ANG MOH brand. Fuck Adidas!
Notable names,
Adolf Hitler, Chancellor and Fuhrer of Germany. Hitler has an estimated frag tally of 17million civilians, putting him within the leagues of other renowned mass murderers such as Joseph Stalin, LMao Zedong and George Wanker Bush.
Hitler is also a professional Starcraft player who has a 531Wins 1Loss record while using the Zerg race. He was so proficient with Zerg that he incorporated many elements of the Zerg Rush into the war tactic that we all know today, Blitzkrieg. Using Blitzkrieg, the Nazi army swept through Europe like an unstoppable force of tornado leaving nothing but destruction and malice in its wake. While it is widely reported that Hilter committed suicide with his mistress by ingesting cyanide pills in his war bunker to avoid capture during the closing days of WW2… that is not entirely true. He popped the pill only because Eva told him that Starcraft II would be released in Hell on summer 1946 as compared to Earth’s scheduled 2010 release.
he will be back...
Dr. Joseph Goebbels, propaganda minister of the Nazi Party. Goebbels only accepted the role of propaganda minister because he was dropped by production in favor of Mike Myers playing the role of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. Goebbels wanted to prove to the world that he was the true Dr. Evil and thus committed many malicious and atrocious sins during WW2. Being propaganda minister, it’s important to note that Goebbels was paid to talk. His job is kinda like a modern day PR (public relations) practitioner. He had to brainwash the German population, boost the image of the Nazi Party, handle all media queries, top up petrol for Hitler’s beloved Audi R8, coach the German National Football team in Joachim Low’s absence…(basically, he’s a sai kang warrior)
Nazi Soldier @battlefront: WE ARE GETTING FUCKED!!!! ALLIED FORCES ARE OVERRUNNING US!!!
Goebbels @national tv: Today the invincible Germany army pushed the Allied Forces all the way back to the borders of Northern France. HEIL HITLER!!!
Nazi Soldier @battlefront: WHERE ARE REINFORCEMENTS???????? WE NEED BACKUP!!!!
Goebbels @national tv: We are so confident of a victory against the Allied Forces that we don’t even need to send in our Panzer tanks. Ah Har Har Har Har ha. HEIL HITLER!!!
Nazi Soldier @battlefront: THIS ADMINISTRATION IS FUCKED UP, I’M LEAVING THE BATTLEFIELD!!!
Goebbels @national tv: Apparently, German troops are abandoning the battlefield because the Allied Forces are not giving them enough challenge… Shame on you Churchill! HEIL HITLER!!!
*Allied Forces infiltrated Berlin*
Goebbels @national tv: While men are bravely giving up their lives for Germany, Hitler is calmly playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 on Xbox LIVE in his cozy bunker. We are losing this war because of an incompetent leader. We could have won… I did my best for my country. Screw you Hitler! This is Joseph Goebbels signing off for Reich News.
Battle strengths,
Nobody could resist the Zerg Rush. Nobody Nobody But You *clap clap* The Germans rushed at Europe with such blinding speed that enemies couldn’t even find time to react or retaliate.
now that is a hell lot of zerglings
Bulgarian troop taking a pee: What?!!?? We surrendered already??? This is buffalo crap! I haven’t even collected my rifle. *proceeds to zip up his pants and leaves the toilet*
k we surrender, pls no kill us ba
Decline,
As mentioned earlier, Hitler was a professional Starcraft player, he even went to the extent of boycotting the Red Alert series and this caused him dearly in the war. Well because any asshat who played Red Alert would tell you that there are two countries you never touch in a war, one being America and the other, Russia. Thinking that his Zerg Rush Blitzkrieg would work on Mother Russia, Hilter committed the grave error of invading the land of Vodka. Vodka land was just too fucking huge. For Fuck’s Sake Hitler, even if you never played Red Alert, you would have at least owned an Atlas eh?? Look at the size of Russia, its fucking humongous! That country is the size of a continent you dumbshit…
whoever crafted the global territorial boundaries sure favored russia...
(Was it you, God? Admit it, are you an undercover Russian spy or something?)
Only somebody who possesses the power of a Super Saiyan or Emperor Palpatine can ever dream of conquering Mother Russia. In short Hilter lost a lot of troops in Vodka land due to the Russian winter. This pissed Russia off and made them enter the war on the side of the Allies. The Allies gained a surge of power due to the entry of the Russians and the SI ANG MOHS (Americans) and eventually turned the tides to topple Nazi Germany and end WW2 in 1945.
WHY ARE THE SI ANG MOHS IN THE FIGHT???? Well those bastards are opportunist be nature. They will only help if they stand to benefit/gain and that’s why they entered ONLY in the ending phase of the war when they were cocksure Germany would fall. If Germany was winning, I fucking bet my balls plus your balls plus your dad’s balls that the SI ANG MOHS would join the side of the Axis Powers.
Contender 8 – Empire of Japan
The Empire of Japan, better known as the tiny island country that conquered many parts of Asia during WW2. Japan currently holds the distinction of being the only country ever to win fights and battles without firing off bullets, missiles or the use of ANY other violent means. By introducing their intriguing culture and technology such as Digimon, Pokemon, Nintendo Gameboys, Sony Playstations, Final Fantasy, Street Fighters, Toyota, Subaru, Karate, AIBO pets, Cosplay, Animes, Mangas, Maid Cafes, Hentai, Batsu games, Visual Kei and X-Japan etc… they conquer Asian countries one at a time.
Notable names,
Ayumi Hamasaki, the Empress of Pop, 50million records sold, consecutive no.1 albums, deaf in one ear but still rockin’ and sizzling hot.
Utada Hikaru, young singer who despite her talent cannot overtake Hamasaki’s as Japan Pop’s top dog. Hikaru then realized that the only way she could beat Hamasaki was if she collaborated with the SI ANG MOHS. They roped her into Kingdom Hearts, made her the lead singer and the rest is history. Hikaru has now surpassed Hamasaki in terms of no. of records sold. And by the way, Hikaru has this Pedobear soft-toy whom she names, Kuma chang… No seriously, the Japs are weird I’m telling you.
Hikaru pictured with her husband
Sora Aoi, the pride of Japan’s “entertainment” industry.
Haruhi Suzumiya, better known as God to the Japanese people.
Light Yagami, would have ruled the world if not for the existence of L.
Yuriko Omega, psychic specimen.
she is not a sailor moon btw...
Tom Cruise, the last samurai.
Battle strengths,
Japan’s strength is directly equivalent to its peoples’ creativity, they have limitless potential. What’s more, nobody dares to invade Japan for fear of Sony Corporation or Nintendo Co., Ltd collapsing. Their demise would make the world a very sad and gloomy place.
Decline,
Most would agree that Japan made two bad decisions in WW2. One was attacking Pearl Harbor and the other, China.
In case you didn’t know, Uncle Sam had prior knowledge of the impending attack on Pearl Harbor as the cryptic Japanese war message was earlier intercepted by US intelligence. They just LET IT BE… let it beee… Let It Beeee… LET IT BEEEEEE… so that they would now have a legitimate reason to enter the war on the side of the Allies. Man, those cunning SI ANG MOHS, their craftiness is unmatched. Go read up on the true story of Pearl Harbor if you are not convinced, I shit you not.
As for China, Japan never wanted to attack them. The Tiongs were rather unreceptive to Japan’s cultural advances and had demanded for Japanese products such as Mangas, Animes and Final Fantasy to be translated to Traditional Chinese before reaching them. Japan flatly rejected China’s demands and the Tiongs threatened to ‘pirate-ize’ Japanese products. This left Japan with no choice but war.
this is just wrong...
Sending Samurais, Ninjas and Geishas, Japan began their invasion of China. However China had Zhuge Liang as chief strategist and he devised an ingenious plan to combat the Japs. Zhuge Liang called it the ‘Ratios’ strategy. Each Ninja was worth 2 China men, each Samurai worth 3 and each Geisha worth 10. For every unit of infantry Japan sent, China would balance it out accordingly. Soon enough, Japan came to realize that they were pouring water into an endless well and retreated to prevent further casualties (not before sustaining heavy losses).
its still beyond me why they would get a Jap to play such an important Chinese historical character
Once again the ‘Heroes’ saved the day. The ‘Heroes’ who ended WW2. The ‘Heroes’ who dropped two A-bombs on Japan to force a surrender in 1945. The great Uncle Sam! Damn, don’t you get suspicious of the SI ANG MOH’S FLAWLESS TIMING of entry and action execution? They almost seem to always enter at the right moment to claim ALL THE GLORY. Now is that pure coincidence… luck??? or careful well-devised planning? You be the judge.
k gg all
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2 weeks to write this, come on show some love!
Next article on HoneyHush –
SI ANG MOHS
Stay tuned babes!
