1) It causes a great deal of inconvenience to commuters.
Leng Lui: LATEEEE??? YOU ARE THE FIRST GUY I DATED WHO DARES MAKE ME WAIT!!!
Leng Zai: Sorry dear, someone jumped the train, got delayed. Didn’t mean to make you wait.
Leng Lui: WHAT??? THAT’S ABOUT ONE OF THE STUPIDEST EXCUSES I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?
Leng Zai: Oh... No reception was underground.
Leng Lui: NO I CAN’T ACCEPT THIS CRAP; YOU BETTER GIVE ME A BETTER REASON!
Leng Zai: Er… I was late because I was ambushed by an aspiring pokemon-trainer who fought using 6 Magikarps???
Leng Lui: Ok! Where shall we go for dinner?
Sam and Gackt taking the train home together after work FOR THE FIRST TIME
*Dear passengers, we apologize for the inconvenience, train services will resume shortly*
Sam: KNN LA, FUCKING TRAIN, must be someone jump again
Gackt: Wah sian…
Sam: Eh Gackt, you know ah… I work in Raffles place now got at least close to 7months le and the train has never been delayed before leh.
Sam: Do you know what does this mean?
Gackt: What?
Sam: YOU ARE FUCKING SUAY!
2) You get no peace after death
Let’s say you have to take your life because it’s going nowhere/ you have an ass full of debts/ you have no way out/ everyone hates you/ your girlfriend left you/ your dog died etc…
I will make this clear, I WON’T STOP YOU. I’m sure most people will not stand in your way either.
In fact I respect your decision to take your own life because it requires a hell lot of guts.
Committing suicide is not as easy as you think…
You have to go through an intense period of ‘mindfuck’ before you choose THE FINAL ANSWER aka THE FINAL SOLUTION.
But then again after saying all this, if you are as hot as Celestina, I won’t let you die neither will I condone your decision to take your own life HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WILL FUCKING SAVE YOU MAN!!!
Lao Zha Bor: AH ZAI ah!!! I also dying leh, why you don’t save me first?
*Sam dashing off to Celestina’s rescue*
Sam: BRB LOL!!!
Lao Zha Bor: SEI POK GAI ZAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barcelona FC VS Tampines Rovers
I mean the world cannot do without babes; Babes are already beginning to qualify for the category ‘endangered species’. Fuck the Siberian Tigers and California Condors; nobody gives a shit, seriously.
Anyway back to why ‘you will get no peace after death…’
COS IF YOU JUMP THE FUKEN TRAIN, EVERYBODY IS GOING TO CURSE YOU EVEN
AFTER YOU DIED!
When I say everybody, I mean EVERYBODY.
The cleanup crew who has to clear up your bloody mangled mess from the train tracks, the poor train operator who has to suffer a traumatizing experience, the huge mob of severely pissed off passengers who are stuck for no apparent reason, train station staffs who have to do OT and reports, the economy (Yes the economy, just think about the no. of man hours lost while being unproductively trapped in the train AND its not just one train, it usually affects the ENTIRE LINE eg. Green line, Purple line, Circle line…), the Government as they will now face more pressure from citizens to install those safety barricades (SIAO LIAO LA!!! Temasek and GIC portfolio drop so much in this stupid recession, where got money to install all those shit… Haizya bo pian liao UP GST UP GST) and Samuel the Great (THAT MUDABITCH WHO JUMPED BETTER REBORN AS A NINTENDOG).
NINTENDOG!!! BABY!! NINTENDOG!!
btw did you know that nintendo ds actually stands for nintendo dogshit?
I DONGGGG EVEN LET YOU REBORN AS A NORMAL DOG; YOU ARE JUST A DIGITALIZED VIRTUAL PET!!!
3. Its painful
Have you ever been punched full force by Lieutenant Tian Wei (The Tank)?
don't koncentrate on the BAN LUCK, look at the BICEPS
If you think that hurts, visualize your entire frame being smashed by a 60mph train. AFTER the initial impact, (that is if you are not already dead) your body gets dragged onto the track by an unforgiving chunk of sizzling metal till it severs off into multiple parts. That isn’t Death if you ask me; that is Total Annihilation.
Yeah you do get points for Bravery and all but trust me, it hurts like hell…
I WILL FUCK YOU UP!!!
4. If you don’t die, ur in fucking deep shit.
Let’s just say you survived Thomas the Train. Congrats you will now join Darth Vader in the ‘more mechanical than human’ club. I can assure you the recuperation phase or surgery process will make you wish you HAVE DIED from that train incident. Considering the fact that you would have at least lost a few limbs and very likely suffer some form of permanent brain damage, it’s a truly fitting ending to your FML story.
Worse still, people will laugh at you
For not dying
‘HEY DUDE THAT’S THE DUMBASS WHO JUMPED THE TRAIN AND DIDN’T DIE, ROFLMAOLOLOLOLOLOLOL’
‘THAT IS SOME BIG-TIME PHAIL!!!!! GHAHAHAHAHAH’
‘MAYBE HE HAS PHOENIX DOWN?????????’
5. You are not filming Suicide Club
Come on asshole; try to be a tad more innovative. We have seen rail deaths from Japanese animes, movies and even books. Are you really that lacking in creativity?
However… you can still redeem yourself if you shout out cheesy last-lines such as ‘DAMN, I FORGOT MY BOARDING PASS’, ‘1 DOWN, 8 MORE LIVES TO GO!!!’, ‘SEE YOU GUYS AT THE MORGUE!!!’, ‘THIS TIME BABY I’LL BE BULLETTTTTTTTTTPROOF!!!’ or ‘72 VIRGINS HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ right before the point of collision. That would effectively convert your Fail into a Win.
Sam’s guide to dying – Painlessly
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1. Drug overdose
Overdosing yourself on a variety of medication/drugs will almost always guarantee you of a clean kill. Some people mix drugs with alcohol or other substances to increase the potency of the killing effect.
For non-qualified alchemist/chemist/doctors unsure of what to mix your ‘liberating drink’ with, you can always try the cyanide combination. The highly toxic cyanide cocktail will never fail you, unless you are a Terminator model or Governator… whatever…
If you are intending to overdose yourself on say… Sleeping pills for example, YOU BETTER FUCKING DIE FROM IT because if they find you in time and bring you to the hospital; they will flush you INSIDE OUT. Folks, I sincerely believe the pain of being flushed is approximately 3 times more excruciating than giving birth.
To ensure that you don’t get the ROYAL FLUSH treatment, you need to give yourself a time passage of 48 hours. Within these 48 hours, you must hide yourself so fucking well that you can even put Osama Bin Laden, the reigning hide-n-seek champion to shame.
er... need help to die by poison?
2. Carbon Monoxide
Carbon Monoxide is your best friend when it comes to committing suicide. They fuck up your hemoglobin so badly that oxygen can no longer be effectively transported around the body through the blood thus resulting in an internal deoxygenated death.
While the olden day car method of exhaust pipe redirection is no longer workable due to new catalytic air converting systems eliminating over 99% of the carbon monoxide, Wikipedia suggests that you can always air-seal yourself in a room and burn charcoal in a BBQ fashion till you pass on. I love Wikipedia, as you can see it’s really educational!
AHHAAHAHAHAHAA!!!11! wikipedia vandalism for the win
3. X spot
If you are able to somehow get hold of a gun, extremely sharp object or a combination of both, the Gunblade. NEVER go for the brain. You watch TV and see people committing suicide by pointing a gun to their head and pressing the trigger. Well that’s just fucktarded because there is a slight possibility you won’t die from it. If you want a 100% painless and sure kill death, go for the spot which connects the brain to the spinal cord, the Cervical Vertebrae. You can feel it just run your fingers behind the back area of your neck, once you sense an immediate ‘depression’ in the region right after a high bone, that’s the kill zone. Aim your gunblade there and ALT-F4 your life.
If you can’t do it yourself due to bad aim, lack of balls or fear of blood, get an enemy or a love rival to help you.
For ancient deaths via decapitation/gluttotines, the skilled executioner will always go for this specific area. By breaking the vital link between the spinal cord and the brain, the body loses its ‘sense of touch’.
Always remember, a painless death is definitely more appealing than a painful death.
Logic
Painless > Painful
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Select your suicide method of choice today!!! Do humankind a favor by purifying our gene pool, this way by Natural Selection, your loserish DNA won’t pass on to the next generation.
Lastly if you still insist on jumping the train, can you at least wait till I get a fucking car?
Mazda RX-7
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