LOL Church

LOL Church was founded in 1966 by this dude called Anton LaVey. It’s officially incorporated under the name, Church of Satan. Note how cool the founder’s name is, Anton LaVey… even the fucking ‘V’ has to be in CAPS! It’s like Woon Han ChOng (aka The Thing) instead of Woon Han Chong or SamUel Wenjun Lim rather than Samuel The Great.

Striking resemblance to Yuri from Red Alert Series

To get things straight before I get accused of blasphemy or being a heretic, infidel, Anti-Christ blah blah blah etc, I AM NOT A SATANIST. Especially when the Church of Satan has some really absurd rules which make their followers look not just stupid, but also mentally challenged on an extreme level.

Charizard VS Mewtwo

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Ok let’s begin, The Nine Satanic Statements of LOL Church coupled with my interpretation of them.



1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence.

I guess it’s like not stopping when you are on a kill streak in DotA or Modern Warfare 2. You got to indulge in the glory of your ‘elite’ gaming skills (which nobody gives a shit) instead of resisting the urge to kill and feel remorseful. Point no.1 also means that you are not allowed to upsize your meal when you eat McDonald’s because that is indulging in food. Do that and you are fucking going to hell, Scumbag! If you are girl and you own more than 1 handbag or high heel, congrats you know where you are going LOL. If you are one who abstains from sex, meat, violence, materialism… don’t even bother applying for LOL Church coz u ain’t welcomed.



2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

I guess Uncle Satan is implying that instead of spending the time to pray and beg for God to improve your life, how about fucking getting off that sofa/couch and get a job? Vital existence is probably defined as shelter, food, money, security (Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs) etc… Uncle Satan prides this is as being more important than spiritual pipe dreams such as I PRAY TO YOU GOD, PLEASE MAKE AYA HIRANO MY WIFE!!!

You got to admit, point no.2 makes sense here. Ya know… right after a natural disaster, people would say things like ‘Thank God for protecting the people, Thank you Lord for saving them’, how about FUCK YOU???? In case you had no bloody idea, it wasn’t God who saved the victims, it was the rescue team who risked their lives and worked tirelessly to pull it off. They should be the ones given credit, not some invisible being in the sky. Go watch some 911 videos or something, see how those rescue teams literally SACRIFICED themselves to save the lives of others. Those are heroes; those are people I respect from the bottom of my heart.



3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit.

This is pretty chim. Undefiled wisdom, wtf is that? How can I achieve undefiled wisdom, is it through some mystic tome hiding in Dumbledore’s library? Hypocritical self-deceit I know, its like saying Samuel is ugly… stupid… boring… All these are under the self-deceit bracket because they are totally untrue. In short, you are being a hypocrite and liar if you say Samuel is not immaculately awesome.



4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates.

Point no.4 is hands down the most logical and sane statement in LOL Church. The coiner of this line deserves to win a Nobel Prize. Treat people well and with love, ONLY TO THOSE WHO DESERVE IT. How Fucking True! On a scale of 1-10, ‘How great is this statement?’ it’s most likely an 11. Don’t waste your kindness and love on ingrates and people who don’t deserve it. There will always be assholes in this world; the trick is not to combat them (a waste of time and energy) but to avoid them. I have some female friends who really deserve much better as their current boyfriends just treat them like dirt. It’s a pity and saddening sight to see them still clinging on and pouring their love to a person who absolutely doesn’t appreciate it. Come on man, STAY SINGLE FOR PETER CHAO!

5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek.

If someone punches you, you must punch him/her back. If you fail to do so, you are a pussy hahahaha. If someone punches you once and you go Chris Brown on him/her (Chris Brown meaning more than 10hit combo), you deserve a medal of honor.



6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.

This is another ambiguous statement. Anton LaVey must have been high on weed or something. Psychic vampires???? Come on seriously, the closest thing that comes to my mind is Edward Cullen and we all know he is gayer than Adam Lambert, Justin Bieber and Perez Hilton put together. Responsibility to the responsible sounds like some socially conscientious government message reminding young male teens not to get their girlfriends pregnant too early, god point no.6 sucks.

7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development", has become the most vicious animal of all.

I don’t need you to tell me that. We can see it with our own eyes. Humans are the most devastative, destructive and maleficent force known to nature. There is a reason why hunting licenses (restricts the number of kills to a certain limit) are issued for sports such as deer hunting, bird shooting etc… Because if humans are not restricted to the number of kills they can make in a fixed period of time, I can assure you all the fucking animals in the nature reserves or the wild would be dead by sundown the following day. Think L4D, but not zombies, animals. We are masters of destruction and we don’t deny it. I’m sure you heard of this, ‘A lifetime to build, a moment to destroy’.



8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification.

It’s like Satan wants to be a badass so much that he claims all the shitty stuff to his name. A noble but foolish act… Anyway I never considered gratification to be a sin! Do you?


9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years.

This line is so cheesy I don’t even know how to react to it. Am I supposed to laugh, smile, grin or cry out of pure hilarity? LOL Church, you need to do better than this to attract followers, lines like this are counter-productive.



The Nine Satanic Sins



1. Stupidity

HAHAHAH FUCK?!?!? ARE YOU SHITTING ME? NO. 1 ON THEIR LIST OF SINS IS STUPIDITY??!?!?! THAT’S LIKE 90% OF EARTH’S POPULATION. NO WONDER YOU ARE LOSING OUT TO ISLAM AND CHRISTIANITY IN TERMS OF SUPPORTERS. Are all members of LOL Church Mensa certified? Bunch of dipshits…



2. Pretentiousness

Basically it means you can’t exaggerate, brag or be boastful. If you DUA KANG, you have sinned. Funny that point no.2 is inline with the ideals and morals of Christianity. LOL Church trying to buy some sympathy votes perhaps?



3. Solipsism

That’s the problem with LOL Church. They try to act chim buay chim and end up nobody knows What The Fuck they are going at. Solipsism, just a raise of hands, how many of you know what this shit stands for? (Don’t google or dictionary, no cheating) I don’t and I am a Mass Comm undergrad.



4. Self-deceit

I thought this was already mentioned? Stop repeating and stop adding sequels… Learn from the mistakes of Spiderman, Matrix and Star Wars, sequels suck.



5. Herd Conformity

I agree with this 100%. Don’t follow blindly. Always ask questions and clarify before proceeding. If you monkey see monkey do, you will never make it big in life. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are examples of successful people who break away from the Herd Conformity.



6. Lack of Perspective

Another 50-50 sweeping statement! Think out of the box, be creative and get more points of view etc… Fuck I can see these in TV advertisements; I don’t need to join your church to learn about it.



7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies

I decline to comment on this failed statement.



8. Counterproductive Pride

‘Pride comes before a fall’. Pride is actually good as it drives and motivates an individual but excessive pride is harmful. You may be a national swimmer in Singapore but if you go up to Phelps claiming you can best him, that’s Counterproductive Pride. But you will give him a good laugh though; think of it as charity or doing a good deed/day.



9. Lack of Aesthetics

Uncle Satan wants you to be pretty and good looking all the time. HE WANTS YOU TO BE HIAO!!! HE WANTS YOU TO BE A SHION WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But what he doesn’t tell you is that he secretly endorses Coco Mademoiselle and every sale of the product nets him a hefty cut. Remember, BEAUTY must be appreciated. When we guys look at chiobu, it’s the correct procedure. Be a man, do the right thing!



The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth



1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

The heading of point no.1 should be changed to ‘The KEY Satanic Rule Girls Should Adhere To When Conversing With Guys’. To all others, just STFU and talk only if you are invited to the conversation or in the midst of it, never interrupt its rude.



2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

Is LOL Church a sexist organization? Because it seems to me that everything here is directed to the fairer gender. If you are female and need someone to talk to, you can try my friend AH WEI. AH WEI will lend a listening ear to hapless girls in need. I will too if you are cute. Example, Miyake



3. When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.

Now LOL Church is teaching people how to play Starcraft. Anybody with half a brain would tell you, you do not enter Zerg territory and hope to get out alive or unhurt.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.

Woon: Eh Sam, show me your Sony Bravia leh…
Sam: Don’t disturb la, I playing game.
Woon: Just show la, awhile nia
Sam: …
Woon: faster can or not???
Sam: … … …
Woon: Oie u can show me ur fucking tv or not?
Sam: KNN!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!
Sam: One more fucking word from you and I will smash your head against my Bravia and claim warranty for it.
Woon: he bi ne…
Sam: *Panda cheese BGM* Justttt youuuu knowww whyyyyy
(Woon ends up in a hospital with critical internal injuries)



5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

This statement is retarded on so many levels; Science has got a lot to learn from it. I am thoroughly amazed! WTF is ‘given the mating signal’? In relative human terms I suppose it’s like a girl intentionally wearing an extremely alluring mini-skirt and winking at you with eyes as seductive as Lilith herself. Or from a girl’s point of view, seeing AH WEI flexing his muscles on SMRT trains. Is that a mating signal, does it count?

mating signal given*

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.

Who wants to trade his/her rich dad with mine?



7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

Sounds like a hook phrase to get people to watch Criss Angel Mindfreak. I will acknowledge the power of magic if I can FUCKING WIELD IT you dumbass. I will bow down to whoever grants me the ability to shoot fireballs from my palms or channel electricity via my arse.



8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Which also means after you fucking volunteered for an event and found out that it sucks big time (haizya… this event no chiobu ah.. aiya, so hot the weather… I thirsty where is my Pink Dolphin???), don’t KPKB coz in the 1st place, NOBODY FORCED YOU?



9. Do not harm little children.

(Yup I laughed out loud when I first read this line) + I got the perfect picture to describe it.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

Initially LOL Church teaches you how to play Starcraft, now they are giving you tips on Age of Empires. I will take some villagers, hunt some antelopes and bring the food back to my town centre. Thanks a bunch for the insightful assistance guys.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask them to stop. If they don’t stop, destroy them.


I was reading point no.11 in the office and I nearly broke into cold sweat. BOTHER NO ONE, IF SOMEONE BOTHERS YOU, ASK THEM TO STOP, IF THEY DON’T STOP, DESTROY THEM!!!!!!!!

WOW DESTROY THEM???!??? OKAY LIKE HOW????? CAST FIRAGA??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU LOL CHURCH.



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I’m glad to be an atheist.

(I know I promised a SI ANG MOH article, still working on it.)

Article source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_Satan