The Taxist

Typical cab scenario which always happens to Samuel The Great.

Sam: Uncle, Tampines.

Uncle: Go by ECP, CTE, TPE, SLE, AYE?

Sam: Just go the fastest one

Uncle: Err so CTE la?

Sam: Ya ok


*5mins later at a junction*


Uncle: So now go by TPE or ECP?

im on the highway to hell

Sam: ANY 1 JUST GO THE ONE WHICH CAN REACH THE FASTEST

Uncle: So it’s TPE ah…

Uncle: Ok I go TPE

Sam: (starting to get pissed)


*10mins later*


Uncle: Wah piang… jam, should have gone ECP, faster…

HUAT!!!

Sam: ZOOMMMMG UNCLE YOU WANNA DIE BY FINGER OF DEATH OR LAGUNA BLADE???? KNN, U TRYIN TO BE A JOKE ISSIT!11!1

suffer, bitch.

-lol kidding I didn’t say that… BUT I wish I did hahaha

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Uncle: Ah boy u want to go by TPE, CTE, ECP??

Sam: TPE


*10mins later at a traffic light*


Sam: Uncle the interchange is left or right ah?

Uncle: Oh interchange is left (Proceeds to make a left turn)


*30seconds later*


Sam: Eh UNCLE, the interchange is behind us la, just now you should have turned right

Uncle: Ohhhh sorry, I U-TURN now…

(You all must note that at this point, the taxi driver’s life was in critical danger. Danger of perishing from the wrath of Samuel The Great)

Seriously you fuckwitt, if this was Grand Theft Auto: Singapore, I would have gotten 1STAR instantly for butchering your sorry-ass on the spot.

And don’t get me wrong, murdering you would be doing society a favor.

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Readers, please get this straight, I am not a Taxist.

(racist: people who are biased against different races)
(taxist: people who are biased against taxi-drivers)

I am an intellecist. I am biased against STUPID PEOPLE aka DUMBSHITS.

textbook example of a dumbshit

If you don’t know the route well, fair enough, it’s understandable. After all, I don’t expect a taxi driver who frequents the North area of Singapore to be exceptionally well-versed in the layout of the East. BUT DON’T FUCKING GEI KIANG CHO HERO AND WORST STILL, LIE.

Tell the truth to the passenger. I’m sure most Singaporeans are reasonable people and the majority of them are receptive to logic. In fact some will even try their best to aid you along the way.

But if you are being a fucking prick who lies just for the sake of making that few extra bucks, I got to say… your existence is really a pitiful story.

i only allow girls as cute as her to lie to me, the rest CANNOT!!!

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To be an effective passenger land transport provider for Samuel The Great, you just need to follow these 3 very simple rules.

Number 1: Shut up and drive

golden rule

Number 2: Shut up and drive drive drive drive

do it or ribena would be pissed

Number 3: Shut up and drive drive drive drive drive drive drive driveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

again???? YES, AGAIN till its drilled into ur fucken head

Easy as pie.

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On a side note, I’m back on HoneyHushHush. Yes the ISD did not bring me in for coffee, Heng Ga Lao Sai… To celebrate my elusiveness from the law, I have decided to share this EPIC WIN story with you guys.

I think about roughly 2 weeks back, it was Gackt’s Birthday celebration in Downtown East.

(At New York New York Restaurant)

Gackt and Samuel The Great seated side by side facing the famous Empire State Building King Kong picture.

Gackt: I think the first show we watched together was Godzilla…

Sam: Really meh? No la I don’t think its Godzilla

Gackt: That was where we trained our skill of laughing in the cinemas

Sam: Dunno la, don’t remember liao

Gackt: Eh Bird, if Godzilla fight King Kong, who will win?

Sam: WTF OF COURSE KING KONG LA!!!

Sam: U didn’t know King Kong tore off the top of the Empire State Building meh.. last time during the fight.

Gackt: HUH??? I thought King Kong is a fake story????

Sam: LJ LA!!! The picture you see there is actually the reconstructed Empire State Building!!!

Sam: I read about it before (flashes a confident face / serious cat face)

Sam: Even in wiki they got say loh…

Sam: In King Kong’s last fight, he climb the Empire State Building then he got injured by the planes but when he about to die, he tore off the tip of the Empire State Building and brought it down with him…

(at this point, Gackt bought 50% of my story)

Sam: But then the picture you see there right… Actually the actual King Kong is not so big size de (trying to paint some practicality into my lie)

OF COURSE NOT SO BIG LA SIAO!!! LIK TAT U TINK GACKT WILL BELIEVE MEH????

(Gackt 75% convinced)

Sam: The real King Kong is abit smaller but then he still managed to climb the Empire State Building…

Sam: Actually you think about it, it’s really damn amazing right??

Gackt: YA LA!!

Gackt: Wah you mean the King Kong is real one ah…

Gackt: Sian how come nowadays don’t have King Kong this type of big creatures sia…

(closing phase of a lie – The Polish)

Sam: Its like that 1 la, they all gone extinct le…

Sam: In that last battle, King Kong tio shoot by the plane till he buay ta han then he just fall down

noble monkey

Sam: Damn heng when he fall down he didn’t land on any innocent people…

Sam: Also he protected the girl all the way to the end…

(Sam strikes an ‘act-sad’ face)

(Repeats the key punchline of the story)

Sam: But you must not forget, even in his dying moments, King Kong was strong enough to tear off the tip of the building leh… That’s why they have to reconstruct it.

Sam: I really respect King Kong and I guarantee you, he confirm stronger than Godzilla.

Sam: I tell you if he never die, he surely will climb the World Trade Centre de but wasted tio bomb.

(Gackt 100% convinced)

Gackt: Wah song sia! Really didn’t know this shit happened man…


Moral of the Story: Gackt is a Himbo (male equivalent of Bimbo)


The best part, THE MOST PRICELESS PART was seeing Gackt’s serious, interested and inquisitive expression throughout the whole ‘skit’. He was giving me unyielding attention and nodding in accordance to what I said. It’s like he GENUINELY BELIEVED THAT KING KONG ACTUALLY EXISTED HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH REALLY BUAY TA HAN TO THE MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


WTF I FEEL DAMN EVIL LA, TRICKING MY BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT BUT THEN ITS REALLY DAMN DAMN FUNNY I SWEAR.

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Quick updates on my life

1. Just got back from South Africa after a tiring, exhausting and hard-fought tournament. WELL WORTH THE EFFORT, WE ARE FINALLY CROWNED WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!! IT’S A DREAM COME THROUGH! When Fabregas slid me that pass, I knew I couldn’t let my countrymen down… I took the volley which carried the weight of my nation and now the rest is history.

Regards,
Andres Iniesta

2. My PS3 is collecting dust at home. Nearly 2months never touch liao. When is FF13 Versus coming out, when, when when???????????

3. Will be trying my hand at stock investment/trading soon.

4. I find Elaine Yuki very cute. Abit better than miyamiya but still lose to Celestina. Myfatpocket is my drug.

5. I am planning to put on weight HAHAHAHA, my metabolism rate really needs to apply leave and go on long holiday…

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writing really burns my sleep zZzZzZzZ