Honey Hush Hush

13.4.10

Now THAT is why 13 is an unlucky number

On today's episode of HoneyHushHush, Lionel Samuel Messi Lim The Great has decided to do a review on Final Fantasy 13. EHHHH??? WHY NO MORE TORRES???? COS MESSI IS DA SHIT NOW YO, YOU GOT A 20DOLLAR BILL PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!!

For every goal he scores against your pathetic team, Messi offers you a free soccer boot.

Why have I taken the time to review Final Fantasy 13? Well I asked around and from all the responses gathered, I believe that among all my PS3 owning friends, I am the first to have bought this game. I think I got it a week straight after its International release.

Usually before reviewing something, I would at least complete it first eg. Movies, Games, Music ...

But Final Fantasy 13 is a different story, an exception to the rule. Its mandatory that I review it FOR YOU at this point even though I am only 75% through the game BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU FUCKING STABBING YOURSELF IN HORROR AFTER BUYING THIS GAME.

The writer has some DECENT credibility as a reviewer of Final Fantasy... Don't you worry there!

I have played FF3,7,8,9,10,10-2,12 and 13

7 created a global impact for the final fantasy title, eventually expanding into Anime and Advent Children.

rating: 7.5/10

8 was the most imbalanced ff of all time, cos nearly every fucker I asked who played 8 spammed Squall's renzokuken-lionheart at the start of battles. If you didn't spam renzokuken, it would most probably be Quistis's degenerate, Zell's Duel or Irwin's Shot. IF YOU NEVER USED ANY OF THE ABOVE IN RANDOM BATTLES OR BOSS FIGHTS, congrats you are Edward Cullen.

rating: 8/10

all too familiar

9 was back to old-sch ff. It is also my favourite ff because its my first. But you know what, the main villian wore a THONG, fhl (fughislife). Its like Kuja wanted to beat Mana in a Visual Kei 'Pretty boy' contest so badly.

rating: 8.5/10

nice er... thongs?

mana-sama, hes a guy i swear

10 in my opinion had the best storyline. BLITZ-FUKEN-BALL, dark aeons, arena.... Holy Smoke

rating: 9/10

10-2 ... What can I say, apart from using 3 gunners and catnipping my way through, Shinra is the only other thing worth mentioning. Blitz Ball is no longer Blitz Ball, its now Championship Manager Blitz Ball. Not alot of people noticed this but when you Sphere change the girls to their ultimate dress-sphere, they get FULLY NAKED for a split second or so (credits to my Sharingan eyes).

rating: 7.5/10

12 had the best gameplay and battle control. Its map exploration also put the other ffs to shame. Gambit system was fucking genius on the part of Square Enix.

rating 9/10

Ladies and Gents

The 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FINAL FANTASY 13

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1. The Cast

Miss Cloud Strife aka Lightning Farron.

You know when I play FF, I can say 'Wah.. this one chio... WAH YUNA ZHAO GENG!!!!.... OMG QUISTIS IS MY INSTRUCTOR????.... Rikku so cuteeeee... Ashe MINISKIRT SOOO FUCKEN SHORT MY NOSE BLEEDING LIKE A HOSE SIOL...

BUT

when it comes to Lightning Farron, I can't praise her beauty. Cos if I do, it means I am gay for Cloud.

Hope aka Ruki of The GazettE

Hope is the team's healer/ravager class. Apart from healing your party while you are getting fucked by the immensely challenging game, Hope spends the rest of his time doing up his hair.

In my first 2 hours of Final Fantasy 13, I mistook Vanille for Serah, that is how pathetic the situation can get. I even confidently told my sister in the opening scenes, 'JieJie you see, that is Serah... She is Lightning's sister'. My sister read the guidebook and replied, 'NO LEH the picture put her name is Vanille'. I was adamant, 'THAT ONE IS SERAH LA, YOU THINK I DUNNO WHO SERAH IS MEH?????? I ALREADY WIKI THE GAME LIAO HOR'.

FML...

Lessons learnt

a) when in doubt, STFU

b) do not dis-agree with the fucking official guidebook

Serah is pretty young in the game so that makes Snow a... Yeah... a PEDOBEAR

Look at the headgear they both wear in the above pictures, its prove enough.

Obama before he became the 44th President of the United States

2. THIS GAME IS COMPLETELY ENTIRELY WHOLLY LINEAR

Unlike in ff7,8,9,10,10-2 and 12 where you can roam around in the world map, area zone or town, ff13 DOESN'T ALLOW you to do so. You follow a fucking yellow guiding arrow throughout the whole game. You can't strafe from it as the yellow arrow is a NECESSARY PATH FOR STORY PROGRESSION. You never have to worry about getting lost in a maze or town because movement is absolutely IDIOT PROOF.

3. NO TOWNS / NO SHOPS / NO INNS / NO DOORS FOR YOU TO ENTER

Yup totally taken out from ff13.

Here's a minute

Have you recovered from your state of shock?

You do your shopping, upgrading, saving, dismantling, watching pron and jerking off ALL from a fucking save-point.

God... This is bullshit

4. THE DIFFICULTY

This game is so bloody challenging they don't even bother making you restart the game if you die, they just added a RETRY function. Because of this retry function, I sold off all my phoenix downs, potions, status-restorative items as they became FUCKING REDUNDANT. Also in this game, you can surprise a creep and get a pre-emptive strike against them. To do so, you must approach them from the back. Failing that, you will enter battle without pre-emptive strike.

BUT ITS OK YOU CAN ALWAYS PRESS START AND SELECT RETRY!!!

All hail retry.

Did I mention you can use retry ANYTIME during the battle? 3 seconds into it, or 30 mins, the RETRY is always available.

Monsters can easily mess you up in ff13. It doesn't matter how strong your party is, it all boils down to your Paradigm set-up (role system), get it wrong and you are all poised to retry.

5. Square Enix's economic crisis

The effects of the Great Recession attack was so wide-reaching that it even affected video games. In ff13, you are one poor bastard. Once a poor bastard, always a poor bastard. You will be poor at the start of the game, mid of the game and end of the game.

You no longer earn gil aka money from monster battles.

You acquire money from selling items.

Unlike ff12 where selling loots actually benefit your party's growth in the long run, selling shit in ff13 will drag you further into the downwards 'shithole' spiral. Loots in ff13 are called components. Now you won't be selling those because if you did, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO UPGRADE YOUR STUFF?

But sometimes you get lucky, open a chest and it contains GIL.

In such rare occurrences, this is Samuel's reaction

*You obtained 2610 gil*

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHoooohhHHHhhHHhhh WOOOOOOOOOOOooOOOoooO HAaahaAAahhhAAAAAhaaaa OOoohhhhHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

6. Auto isn't Auto.

Honestly I have no effing idea what the game producers were thinking when they commissioned the equipments. Suppose I equip an amulet which grants me Auto-Protect, I will assume that the effect lasts the entire fight. I mean come on, that has been the case for ALL previous ffs. But in ff13, an Auto ability HAS A FUCKING DURATION. WHAT A MASSIVE JOKE! I timed the Auto duration and its about 2-3 mins. That means after 2-3 mins, it just wears off. Reviving or using a phoenix down on your character isn't going to reset the timer. When its gone, its GONE FOR GOOD. FUCKTARDED ISN'T IT???

So if you equip ANY Auto equipments in a boss fight, you are a certified MORON because I can bet my arse the fight is gonna drag longer than 3 mins thus rendering your equipment useless.

This is perhaps one of the BIGGEST fail in Square Enix history and I AM SERIOUS.

in fact this picture shows you how serious i am

7. Imperial China Battles

Its just like Ancient China, if your general/leader falls, you lose the battle. (brings back memories eh, your mighty lubu dominating the whole battlefield BUT you lose because that fat piece of lard Dong Zhuo dies in the crucial last few moments) If doesn't matter even if your two remaining characters are healthy or fit enough to run a triathlon. Many times I lost the fight and had to retry because FUCKING RUKI, I mean... Hope was too chikin shit to take a few hits.

MY GOD, LEARN FROM FF12

GIVE US THE OPTION TO REVIVE OUR FUCKING LEADER OR ROTATE HIM/HER OUT!

IF NOT WHATS THE FUCKING POINT OF GIVING US 6 CHARACTERS??????

8. The game dictates you just like in The Matrix movies

The Crystal Upgrading Board (something like a spheregrid where you improve your stats) slowly expands as you progress throughout the story. This means you can no longer 'grind' to overlevel or overpower your character anymore. No more Yuna hitting for overkill99,999 on a fucking Dingo because you have to GO WITH THE FLOW OF THE STORY. And I can tell you this is a bitch because it makes the game WAY more difficult.

dingo is happy in ff13

Even battles have became exceptionally boring. Sometimes I just put my fingers on O, repeatedly press it for the entire time and watch Lightning wipe the floor of all competition. Occasionally I press L1 to change the Paradigm formation here and there... The gameplay has gone down the drain and this is one major reason why ff13 pales in comparison to ff12.

9. Eidolons

This is just about the second stupidest thing in ff13 (losing out only to point 6), Eidolons aka Summons. The summons are so weak they can't even DEFEAT a normal battle on their own, much less aid you in a boss fight. I sincerely believe summoning is purely for cosmetic/graphical purposes now. Gone are the days where Knights of the Round, Eden, Madeen, Anima can shine, impress and SAVE YOUR ASS.

Now its ' ODIN I CHOOSE YOU '

*fight*

'ODIN, GESTALT MODE'

*fight*

'ODIN, ZANTESUKEN'

'WHAT????? MONSTERS STILL ALIVE?????!!!????!!?'

'GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKING POKEBALL ODIN AND NO MORE LUNCH FOR YOU FOR THE NEXT 3 WEEKS YOU WHOREFACE'

*ODIN LEAVES*

*party carries on fight*

*fight*

*win*

10. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE THE SIDE-QUESTS GONE?

I am at chapter 12 now, chapter 13 is the final chapter. I HAVE ATTEMPTED NOTHING but 2 'compulsory story mode' side-quests which requires me to hunt down monsters. SO DAMN ORIGINAL, MONSTER HUNTING.

Apparently you will get to do the Chocobo quests later on in the game but the question is WHEN???? I am at chapter 12 FOR FUCKS SAKE. YOU MEAN I CAN ONLY DO THE CHOCOBO QUESTS OR ALL OTHER INTERESTING SIDE-QUESTS AFTER I COMPLETED THE MAIN STORY?????

chocobo chick is not impressed with ff13

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Now don't get me started on the music of ff13. I might vomit my spleen if I have to put it down in words.

In short NO NOBUO UEMATSU = FAIL

If you think you will ever get to hear a piece like Balamb Garden, One Winged Angel or To Zanarkand in ff13, wait long long ah (tan-gu-gu).

So peeps when are you all getting your Failure Fantasy XIII?

28.3.10

AHGMOH BUAY KIA SI (Westerners-no-fear-death)

If you are an avid lover of documentaries, you will agree with me that ANGMOHS, really BUAY KIA SI. They dare to do anything and I must re-emphasize this, ANYTHING! Angmoh over here refers mainly to Americans, Europeans and Australians/New Zealanders.

THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BITCHES

One factor could very well be the cultural differences in upbringing.

For an Angmoh, fracturing a few bones throughout childhood is very common. After all you should look at the sports they partake in e.g. skateboarding, rock-climbing, rodeo, skiing, UFC, mountain biking, American football, the list goes on

For an Asian, fracturing a few bones throughout childhood would either mean you are a PAI KIA, an active sportsperson or a COCK performing some silly stunts. Unfortunately for me, I fractured a hell lot of bones during my childhood and sadly they would fall under the category ‘a COCK performing some silly stunts’.

Are you a PIE KIA???

Sam’s list of major injuries

1. Seated on a chair and fell down while dotaing. (Result: Fractured left hand)

2. Performed some Sephiroth aerial slash attack from Advent Children and slipped. (Result: Double fracture on left forearm)

3. Dodged a punch and hit my lips against the chair. (Result: Stitches on lips)

4. Head got hit by a tree log. (Result: Stitches on head)

5. Charged into Mitchel and rebounded off him aka self-frag. (Result: Fractured left shoulder)

6. Stopped a flying basketball with my right hand. (Result: Minor fracture on right index finger)

Honestly, 2. is fucking EPIC!!! If I managed to video myself doing that Sephiroth aerial slash attack, I am confident I can get at least 10million views on youtube.

Samuel's most devastating attack

Lucky thing is despite all these injuries, I am still fucking good-looking today. HAR HAR HAR HAR! Hengz no major injuries to my Torres face cos I is ‘kao lian chi fan 靠脸吃饭’.

Enough of digressing back to the topic, well you see that day I saw a documentary on OKTO, WORLD’S DEADLIEST ANIMALS.

In that show, the SI ANGMOH host really proved to me he had the balls to stare Thanatos straight in the eye, utter a big ‘FUCK YOU’ before showing him the middle finger. 1 episode is all I need to reaffirm my stand that he absolutely doesn’t fear death! He probably learnt a thing or two from Gackt’s redemption but I am not betting on it.

So I asked my dad ‘Is he a moron or something?’

To which my dad replied ‘No these are all very well educated people, in his free time when he is not doing his show he could be lecturing in a university about his field of expertise’.

And it’s true; it doesn’t take a genius to know that this Angmoh host is a learned man. He knows his stuff and can easily explain them with great proficiency demonstrating abilities far exceeding that of an average layman.

So the question is ‘What the fuck was he thinking?’

Ok you are a PHD zoologist and you willing to risk your life without even thinking twice? Is your desire for passion/hobby truly more important than your life?

Let’s just list down the story rundown for that particular episode I watched.

Si Angmoh leads his team through a forest where they encounter leeches.

Si Angmoh: Come on mates, let’s roll up our pants and shirts and see how many leeches we can get on us while walking through this forest. Come on, let’s do it, it would be fun.

FYI, they are attracted to the CO2 we breathe out

*Wow fucking shit, apparently threading through a leech infested forest is not enough, this ANGMOH had to ‘aggro’ every leech he saw*

Si Angmoh: Nice.. Nice.. Jim’s got 3, I got 4 on me, 1 on my shoulder…HAHA Pete’s got one on his neck…

Si Angmoh: Now I am gonna teach you how to remove a leech

*Asshole really thinks he can mess around with the LEECHKING*

Where shall my blood be spilled?

Si Angmoh: Now we are in the home of the bats. In this cave there are 2million bats.

(Hangs from a suspended harness/rope)

(Drops his entire body weight on the harness by intentionally releasing his hands to mimic the action of a bat)

Do note that his life was totally dependent on that single harness as he was at the midpoint of a FUCKING CAVE. If the harness snapped or gave way, he would instantly ROD.

*Now if my life hangs on a harness, I swear I wouldn’t fucking clown around on it*

Si Angmoh: Here is nature’s biggest dumping ground. You see the ground I am standing on; it seems to be moving isn’t it? That is because it is completely filled with cockroaches.

(Si Angmoh proceeds to SHOVE HIS FUCKING HAND INTO THE GROUND TO GRAB A HANDFUL OF DIRT AND COCKROACHES)

(NO GIMMICKS, NO FANCIFUL VIDEO EDITINGS, NO GLOVES, NO PROTECTIVE COVERS, JUST HIM AND HIS FUCKING HAND)

Si Angmoh: Look at all these baby cockroaches…

cockroach cosplay

*When he did that I was like, holy shit this guy is hardcore*

(He then traverses deeper into the cave)

Si Angmoh: Well you see all these cockroaches; they are prey to the deadly Scutigera.

(PRODS THE FUCKING SCUTIGERA WITH HIS BARE HANDS)

(PLAYS AROUND WITH IT, TRYING TO BLOCK ITS MOVEMENT PATH)

Si Angmoh: Look at all its legs, there is no way a cockroach could escape from a Scutigera.

sexy legs

(For the rest of his show, he goes around hunting for a python. Not just any ordinary python, it’s the reticulated python. Have no idea of its prowess? Go wiki it)

When I watched the news just now, I saw some extreme flying (aeroplane) competition being held in the states. It involves having to maneuver your plane through narrow barricades when doing several loops around the course. If you flew too low, you would hit into the water and crash. If you missed a maneuvering turn, you would directly collide with the barricade. Either way, ur fucked! Your only chance of survival is to perfect the course with ZERO deviation for error.

Sometimes you gotta love the ANGMOHS, if not for them; we will not be able to witness and enjoy such mind-blowing sports / documentaries / movies etc…

For one, Asians will NEVER embrace such bullshit. Its in our blood, we are all BUAY STEADY when it comes to risking our lives. You ask a Chinese or an Indian to skydive for the sake of filming a short clip, he would most probably reply with ‘S-K-Y-D-I-V-E-??? DEH, this is Mumbai Da, India… INDIA!!!’

I'd love to see you pee on us tonight!

The only AI ZAI country in Asia is Japan but that’s only because Japan is abit ‘siao siao’. (All thanks to the atomic bombs and their radioactive aftereffects) Sometimes you can watch a Jap perform something really questionable which makes you go ‘WHAT THE FUCK?’

domo in human form

Beautiful world

25.3.10

Imperative Knowledge

God damn effing long time since I last updated.

Heres the rationality behind my disappearing act

1- Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (This way I would be missed by all my readers Har haR hAr HAR)

2- Liverpool and Spain needs me at this crucial moment. (Its hard being Torres you know, having to juggle soccer and dodge the legion of relentless fangirls)

3- If I am able to squeeze out any free time, I am either a) sleeping b) dotaing c) reading d) mousehunting or e) youtubing

4- Fuck after typing out point 3, I came to a sudden stark realization that I don't have much of a L-I-F-E. And that effectively cancels out my right of using the term FML anymore because.... I HAVE NO L-I-F-E TO START OFF WITH, JESUS CHRIST!!! I need to dig a hole and DODO myself to extinction this very second.
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Recently I became aware of a greater number of EMO COWS surfacing around me.

Not my cousin! To clear all existing doubts once and for all, my cousin is known as EMOO COW, not EMO COW. Its a special title bestowed upon him by Samuel 'Fernando Torres' The Great after he severed all ties with his HIGHLAND CATTLE relatives.

this is my cousin

EMO COWS are basically people who are EMO.

this is an emo cow

They get agitated easily
They get anal over exceptionally minute matters
They get offended over the slightest of issues
They get suicidal thoughts popping up every now and then

To make life easier for both parties, you should

1- Ignore them. An EMO person is by default an attention seeker/whore. If he/she can't get his/her daily dosage of attention or butt-secks, withdrawal symptoms will kick in and wrist-slashing activities will commence.

2- Help them to become UN-EMO. In all seriousness though, this is a titanic task! Its like asking Samuel to stop being so awesome, as you can see... nearly an impossibility.

3- Duke it out with them. Sample lines to use in battle against an EMO COW- Stop Crying Your Heart Out / JESUS DON'T YOU LOVE ME / ORD LOH / Well I may be wrong and all but YOU'RE STILL FAT / 好狗不挡路 (direct translation) Good dog don't block road

bad doggie

4- The Final Solution. Lead them to a Gas Chamber and Hilter them off to the underworld. Can't find a Gas Chamber in Singapore? No Prob-blreum, just bring them to Little India.

5- Eat more MEGA MAC burgers!!! Yes, those unforgiving burgers with 4 BEEF PATTIES. The more MEGA MAC burgers you eat, the more cows they will have to slaughter and the faster the EMO COWS population will dwindle.

an emo cow's greatest nightmare

6- *Not recommended* 'If you can't beat them, join them'. Simply coz EMO COWS don't harass their own kind.

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Always remember, to reach the high standards of Samuel 'Fernando Torres' The Great, you have to develop an immunity to EMOness.

This means you must know how to proficiently deal with EMO COWS and resist being converted to be one of them.

Show no mercy to the HELL BOVINES!

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!!

4.3.10

10 Fav Songs of 2009

If you wondered where I’ve been, I was in a state of depression for the past few days. DEPRESSION FROM NOT FUCKING WINNING THAT CNY TOTO $10MILLION DRAW!!!
FML (fugmyluck)!!!!!!!!!!

May the 5 sharers of that $10MILLION have eternal nightmares of being hugged and caressed by SUSAN BOYLE when they sleep at night!!!! Sluts...

Anyway it’s already 2010; nothing much has changed other than the fact of me becoming more and more handsome+cute by the day. I've been quite popular with girls lately, HAHAHA!!! Time to ZOUK soon...

MY 10 FAV SONGS OF 2009
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10.

Fireflies - Owlcity

I like the rhythm but the lyrics are pretty much semi-retarded.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVE THAT PLANET EARTH TURNS SLOWLYYYYY

CAUSE I'D GET A THOUSAND HUGS FROM 10 000 LIGHTNING BUGSSSSSS

9.

Super driver - Aya Hirano

Theme song for Haruhi Suzumiya Season 2. Honestly though, even for a Haruhi fanboy like me... I found Season 2 a disappointment, the Endless 8 arc was just fucktarded. WHAT WERE THE WRITERS/PRODUCERS THINKING??????

You belong with me - Taylor Swift

Yo Taylor im really happy 4u, imma let u finish but 'Love Story' was ONE OF YOUR BEST SONGS OF ALL TIME~~~

7.

Fuck you - Lily Allen

Self-explanatory

Thinking of you

Although 'Hot N Cold' is clearly more popular, I consider 'Thinking of you' to be Katy's best song.

New divide - Linkin Park

Kudos to Linkin Park! 'What I've done' from Transformers 1 was bloody impressive and in Transformers 2, they took it a notch higher with 'New divide'.

Morning after dark - Timbaland

THIS ARE THE TYPE OF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS that will net everybody an 'OUT-TO!!!' in those Japanese 'NO LAUGHING' batsu games. Timbo looks like he's dying to get a flying roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

"HIT ME COME ON HIT ME, BIATCH"

"OPPS YOU MISSED????"

"I'M STILL WAITING PUSSY...."

I need some REM but I don't like sleeping alone

Yeah she's an integral reason why this song/mtv rocks.

3.

Poker face - Lady Gaga

pok-Pok-POk-POK GAI face POK-POK-pok gai face MUM MUM MUM MAH!!!

Thanks for cursing me Lady 'Double Organ' Oyster, now I know why I didn't win $10MILLION.

Definition of Oyster as para quoted from Wikipedia

"While oysters have two sexes, they may change sex one or more times during their life span. Because of this, it is technically possible for an oyster to fertilize its own egg. The gonads surround the digestive organs, and are made up of sex cells, branching tubules and connective tissue. Oysters cannot be sexed by examining the shell."